I could volunteer to take his place. I've had an interest in learning how to write creatively and have considered enrolling in my local jr. college in adult composition to see if I could at least learn to write short stories, paragraphs with some wit, hyperbole, jokes, apply to the Jimmy Fallon show as an adjunct writer, get a scholarship to some academy run by established professional staff writers in the entertainment biz, advise P.J. O'Rourke re. his writing about automobiles, and get an invite to Jay Leno's Garage.
Yeah, I could do it! No sweat!
My first topic: "The ATA Needs to Rethink the 30 Yard Line"
Second topic: "Playing At Least One Option Should be Mandatory"
Third topic: "Handicap Yardage Placement Will be Determined With 50% Weighted Influence based upon 16 yard average. The other 50% Shall be determined by earned yardage. A Conundrum that Must be Fixed."
Fourth topic: "Total Fuel Ban in NHRA. Gasoline Only"...oh, wait, that's a different sport and was answered 50 years ago. Time to dredge it up again.
Yeah, that'll do it...