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Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with his new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up

there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".
 

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This one is kind of like the chili taster joke. It's been around for quite a while, But still funny. I think CLS first posted on here a couple years ago.





Jim
 

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An officer who worked with the 'victim' officer related a very funny TASER story to me. The officers were dispatched to a domestic assault. The department was rather small and only had one TASER for the entire department. The first officer to arrive at the fight didn't have the TASER. The first officer radioed the second officer, who had the TASER, and urged him to hurry as one of the subjects was quite violent and combative. As the second officer arrived at the fight he was taking quite awhile to get out of his squad car and get to the fight. He actually never made it up to the house where the combative subject was fighting with the other officer. The second officer got out of his squad car with the TASER and was leaning over the fender, obvously in great pain when a deputy arrived on the scene. The second officer handed the deputy the TASER and pointed him in the direction of the fight. The second officer remained doubled over the fender of his squad car.

After the bad guy was 'cuffed and stuffed' the first officer & the deputy checked on the second officer and were upset with him for not assisting. The soon learned that the first officer had and accidental discharge with the TASER on the way to the fight. When the second officer was dispatched to the fight he remembered that he hadn't test fired his TASER that day, as is required. So he removed it from it's holster and removed the cartridge then pulled the trigger to test fire it. He was doing this while driving to the call with the red lights flashing and siren blaring. Well it seems he didn't have a good grip on the TASER and after he pulled the trigger it fell in his lap. Remember the TASER cycles for five seconds once the trigger is pulled, unless you shut it off by flipping the safety switch off. He apparently got the full five seconds worth. It landed right in the crotch of his pants! Needless to say he never forgot to cycle the TASER before the beginning of his shift again.

Rem31TC

BTW -- TASER stands for Thomas A. Swifts Electric Rifle
 

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So.... how does he test buckshot?
 

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While the story that Ljutic 1630 posted is hillarious, I doubt that it was a TASER brand stun gun that the fellow used on himself. Both the M26 and the newer X26 TASER put out 50,000 volts. The older M26 uses 8 AA batteries and the newer X26 uses what is refered to as a Digital Power Magazine or a DPM. There are other stun guns, such as the NOVA XR5000, that may fit the description of the one in Ljutic 1630's story.
 

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A few years ago, in college, I was at a party with my roomate, who was underage at the time. The cops came in to bust it, he doesnt want a ticket so he will not show his id. Let me just pause for a second and tell you that this guy is a 250 lb division 1 fullback and was just recently listed as one of the top wrestlers in the nation, not your average college kid. Well the officer didnt feel like dealing with such a large individual so he hit him with the taser. My roomate curled into a ball on the ground started shaking and pissed himself. At that point I realized that tasers/stun guns are no joke. -Rich
 
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