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a friend of mine sent these to me today ,,, I LMAO and figured we all could use a good laugh. Read on!


Some pretty funny stuff!

Disorder in the American Courts:

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.







____________________________________________




ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________ ___________




ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: getting laid

____________________________________________




ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________




ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________




ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________




ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________




ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________




And the best for last:




ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.




THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.
 

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ROTFLMAO,,,,thanks Bob, I needed that today.
 

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So whats the difference between a carp and a lawyer.

?

?

?


? One is a bottom feeding scum sucker.



The other is a fish.
 

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So have you heard that Harvard Medical School will no longer be doing medical experiments on rats? They are going to use lawyers instead. There are more of them and you don't get so emotionally attached...
 

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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'


'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to
eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us,
also.' The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir,
I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered .

They a ll entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, 'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you for taking all of us with
you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.'




'The grass is almost a foot high.'
 
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