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737 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,
at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really
hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK

I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a
nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever
seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience,
with you as the shuttle.

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point,
as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Odinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000 foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.

I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to
be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had
passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies ...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous ...

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out ...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all ...

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up

3,069 Posts
You can do the liquid or the pills. The pills were not all that bad. Once you get over the elimination process, the procedure itself is an easy one.

I had a friend who died of colon cancer some years ago and this type of procedure is a godsend as to prevention and early detection.

I cracked up the operating room staff with a true story just before I was put under.

I am the child of a Polish war bride and in Poland; Catholic boys are not circumcised as this is thought of in Poland as a Jewish ritual. I had my tonsils removed during my 8th grade year but that is not all that was removed. I work up with a lot of pain and it was not in my throat. You can guess what happened and they burn and stitch up the end when they are done. I asked the operating room staff if they had anything else in mind beside the procedure and they laughed loudly and said no.

Everything went fine and you really mentally feel a lot better when you learn that you have no cancer or pre-cancerous polyps.

Ed Ward

763 Posts
I've been through it.It is a nasty procedure but worth doing. I have had one friend die of colon cancer and 2 others who are long term survivors. Doctors seem to each have a preference for what type of preparation you must endure.Mine unfortunately believes in what your had. A friend of mine is a nurse in the gastro unit and she told me the best way to get the stuff down is to mix half with crystal light lemonade and the other half with crystal light iced tea. That did help quite a bit but a year later I can't stand the taste of iced tea and I used to love it. When I was on the table getting ready for my procedure one of the nurses pulled out what was going to be stuck up my colon. I asked if she was going to stick that up my butt. She grinned and said "no,but Dr Lepinski will. The next thing I knew I was in the recovery room.

Premium Member
11,895 Posts
Funny, but copied word-for-word from a Dave Barry piece.

1,566 Posts
I had the procedure done this past Thursday. The procedure was a breeze, compared to the preparation the day before.

Clear liquid diet. My wife was a savior. She had fixed some French onion soup. She strained out the onions. Better than chicken broth. Managed to get in some Jello, too.

My prep was four Dulcolax pills at 3PM. Then came the liquids. I had to mix a bottle of Miralax powder with 64oz of Gatorade, and drink that within two hours, start to finish. The Miralax goes right into solution, and doesn't impart any taste to the Gatorade, thank God. The down side is getting that much Gatorade down, when you're not thirsty.

The procedure the next morning went off like clockwork. I was on the gurney at 8:15AM, and in the procedure room at 8:30AM. The surgeon injected me with Demerol and Versed. (Like the doc said, these ARE SOME GOOD DRUGS!!) The next thing I remembered was a very nice nurse asking me if I wanted V8, orange or apple juice, and some cheese or peanut butter crackers. Even got my bottom powdered. Haven't had that since I was a baby!!

Clean bill of health. Doctor mentioned some older diverticulosis, of which I was already aware (sygmoidoscopy).

Guys and gals - If your doctor recommends this, GET IT DONE. We all know too many people who've suffered from colon cancer.

To better health, and break 'em all!


336 Posts
That is really funny. I have been there and did that. Like all said it is not something you want to do every day but it is a very important thing to have done.

They gave me something to drink I think it was named "Go Lightly" or something like that. I told my wife they needed to rename it to "Go often".

Jerry Walker

737 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
timb99 , Your correct it is a Dave Barry piece. I wasn't trying to take credit for it, as you can see I titled it OT humor. Geeezzz

519 Posts
The prodedure, and the preparation for it, may not be too much fun; but consider the alternative. My mother, and my sister both died of colon cancer. I will be back at the doctor in two years being checked again, and hoping they don't find my head. Isn't it great knowing that you are a perfect a--hole.
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