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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
 

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What squad am I on?
Lots of different guns...
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Three prostitutes were discussing their day...

First one said "I was with a cop, full uniform, best time ever"
Second one said "Mine was a firefighter, even left his helmet on, best time ever:
Third one said....

"I was with a farmer, what a terrible time. First it was too wet, then too dry, then he tried to haggle on the price and even demanded a free hat".
 

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Here's one for the ladies...

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”
 

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Three women that are friends had a problem, everytime they talk about their husband's they got confused. They were all named John.
One woman said why don't we call them soda pop names.
Another says that's a good idea ! I'll call mine 7up, Because he likes to get up at 7 and keep it up ! The other says I'll call my Mountain Dew, because he likes to mount and dew it ! Last woman said ill call mine Jack Daniels. The other two said that's not soda pop name, that's a hard liquor.
" Yup that's my John he's a hard liquor."
 

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Once after only a couple of years of marriage, I was sitting at the dinner table I had a little too much to drink, when my little bride said to me that this year for vacation she wanted to go some place she had never been, and that would do her a lot of good. So despite the red flashing warning light in my head, and alarm bell going off saying "Shut Up You Dumb Wise A=s"! I opened my mouth and glibly suggested. "how about cooking school"! Never saw anyone throw dishes that fast, nor with such an uncanny ability to hit my head with almost every one despite my efforts to dodge them until I took a phone to the head and ended up on the floor.
Aloha (slow learner)
 

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Once after only a couple of years of marriage, I was sitting at the dinner table I had a little too much to drink, when my little bride said to me that this year for vacation she wanted to go some place she had never been, and that would do her a lot of good. So despite the red flashing warning light in my head, and alarm bell going off saying "Shut Up You Dumb Wise A=s"! I opened my mouth and glibly suggested. "how about cooking school"! Never saw anyone throw dishes that fast, nor with such an uncanny ability to hit my head with almost every one despite my efforts to dodge them until I took a phone to the head and ended up on the floor.
Aloha (slow learner)
Randall, you weren't having meatloaf at the time were you?
 
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Three prostitutes were discussing their day...

First one said "I was with a cop, full uniform, best time ever"
Second one said "Mine was a firefighter, even left his helmet on, best time ever:
Third one said....

"I was with a farmer, what a terrible time. First it was too wet, then too dry, then he tried to haggle on the price and even demanded a free hat".
Rewrite. First too dry, then too wet ..........
 
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John, sorry, after getting hit with the phone I blacked out and I am lucky to remember my name let alone what food was thrown at me. Though her meatloaf could have knocked me unconsciousness, it was the phone as when I woke up was covered with wires, buttons, and red plastic pieces.
Aloha
 

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Another one for the ladies...

Wife: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

Husband: "Excellent idea!"

Wife: "Ok, you stand at the sink and wash dishes. I'll stretch out on the couch and watch TV."
 

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Discussion Starter #17
 
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As told by all my in-laws

My Father in-law was at one end of a hallway having an argument with my mother-in-law at the other when she picked up the handset of the wall phone and threw it. Thinking that the cord would stop dad never flinched, not knowing an extra long cord had been installed earlier that day. After getting it between the eyes he did manage to catch it. So everyone else in the house heard

WHACK "long distance for me?"
 
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