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Bob

Bob received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a very bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the parrot's mouth was either rude, obnoxious or profane.

Bob tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and doing anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, warn out and fed up, Bob yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Bob shook the bird, but it only got angrier and even more vulgar. In total desperation, Bob grabbed the parrot by the neck and threw it into the freezer of his refrigerator.

For several minutes, the parrot squawked, cussed, kicked the freezer door, and called Bob unprintable names. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep. Total silence. Nothing.

Fearing the worst, Bob quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot, giving himself a quick shake to tidy up his ruffled feathers, stepped out onto Bob's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Bob was stunned at the bird's apology. As he was about to ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird discreetly continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving!
 

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The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker
at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom WENIG Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."
 

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A guy buys a parrot from a pet store, and is very happy because this parrot can speak several languages.

Upon getting the parrot home, he wants to show off his purchase to his wife.

He asks the parrot to say something in Spanish, but the parrot only put out garbled tones.

He again asked it to speak, this time French, but, alas, the same thing, not understandable at all.

Frustrated, he calls the pet store owner, describes the problem, and asks for an explanation.

The store owner says "It's a simple fix. Because the parrot is in a different place, you have to fine tune his bill".

"Well, how do I do that?", asks the new owner.

"You take a tiny file, and remove just a bit from one side of it's bill, then ask it to speak, and repeat until it is perfect again"

Next day, the customer comes in the store demanding his money back.

The store owner asked why, and the customer said "Because it's dead!, and it's all your fault."

The store owner asked why it was his fault when he only told him to remove a minute amount of the bill.

The customer said "Yeah, I did just as you told me, but when I took his head out of the vise, he was dead!"
 

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Guy walks into a pet store, and at the counter, the clerk asks if he can help him.

The guy says " Nu thell mird theed?"

The clerk says he can't understand, and asks if he could come back later to talk to the owner, then starts laughing.

Next day the guy shows back up, and the clerk asks another clerk to wait on him.

The guy asks " Nu thell mird theed?"

This clerk tells him to come back tomorrow, and talk to the owner, then the two clerks have another good laugh.

Next day, same thing, and the clerk calls the owner over before the man gets to the counter. He tells the owner this guy is funny, and they can't understand a thing he says.

Guy walks up to the counter and asks the owner "Nu snuff mirds?"

The owner turns around, and trying to keep from laughing, he tells the clerks "The guy wants to know if we stuff birds."

The owner says "Why yes sir, why do you ask?"

He throws the bird on the counter and says "Mell, snuff nis one up nur a**, he starved nesternay!!"
 

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A robber was robbing a house and he got this big bag full of loot when all of the sudden he hears this voice "Jesus is watching you" so he thinks nothing of it and keeps going and he hears it again "Jesus is watching you" so he asks "who said that?" The voice replies, "It's me, Moses." He turns and sees the parrot in the corner. The robber then asks "What nut would name his parrot Moses?"

The parrot replies "The same Nut that would name his Rottweiler Jesus."

HM
 

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An old salt of a pirate hobbles into the pub and grabs a seat in the darkest corner of the bar. Bartender can't help but notice that he has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye. The pirate asks for an ale and nurses it for about an hour before the bartender, wrought with curiosity, builds up the courage to go over to the man and ask.... "What the hell happened. to your leg?"
"Well lad fer shot of whisky, I'll reveal the peril of me leg"... Bartender brings him a shot. "We was in the midst of a gale from hell and I was washed overbard." "Befer me mates could pull me abard a shark as big as a whale snapped off me leg." "Lucky to be alive"...He snaps up the shot and gulps it down."Bring me an ale!"
An hour passes and the bartender works up the courage to ask the pirate about his hook. The pirate says "Well lad fer another shot of whisky, I'll reveal the peril of me hand"... Bartender pours the shot. "Well Laddy, we was in the midst of plundering a ship of the queens navy when I spotted the captain. I raced over to send him on to Davey Jones and as I raised me sward to deal deaths blow... His first mate took his cutlas and cut me hand clean off .... Damned lucky to still be alive..." and he gulps the shot. "Another ale!"

The pirate continues to nurse the ale when the Bartender decides he can't hold his curiosity any longer. The Bartender walks over and fills the shot glass... "Tell me about the eye". ARRRRRrrrr tarn from me skull... Bartender thinks..."this is gonna be good" and pulls up a stool....
"Well matey,.... It was a windless day." "The captain and mates were counting booty and I was busying meself with swabbing when I noticed the captains parrot on the main sail rigging".... "As I looked up, the bastard shat directly in me eye".... he gulps the shot down.

The bartender gets up and walks away dejected....he looks back and asks.... "How the hell does a little bird shit tear your eye out."

The pirates face hangs low....."arrrr.....first day with the hook..."

:D
 
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