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Your duck is dead!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), Dec 15, 2011.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) Banned User Banned TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    11,666
    Location:
    West Central Florida
    have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hannakuh?



    Your Duck is Dead !

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
    surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
    pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
    Chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
    sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
    passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
    vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
    you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
    He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
    room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
    Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
    in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
    front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
    duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
    vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
    of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
    a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
    sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
    on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
    strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
    but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
    a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
    and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
    she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The
    vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
    word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
    Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
     
  2. Bvr Tail

    Bvr Tail Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    1,921
    A guy bought a very expensive parrot from a pet store, with the guarantee it could sing and talk.

    At home, the parrot did sing, although it was terribly off-key, and when it talked, it was jibberish, and mumbled.

    He called the pet store to complain, and the owner said the solution was simple. Over a period of time, their beaks will grow, and they need to be trimmed a bit for better sounds, so just take a file, and file some of his beak off!!!

    The next day, this guy comes in to the pet store carrying a box, and said "Hey, I want my money back, cause this bird is dead"!!! "Your idea of trimming the beak killed it"!!

    The owner said he couldn't believe it, and that in all his years of handling parrots, he had never heard of such a thing.

    The owner said "Well, I did exactly as you told me, I filed his beak ever so slightly, and when I took his head out of the vice, he was dead"!!




    Come to think about it, my wife's voice is changing some.....I wonder?????

    Danny
     
  3. pdq

    pdq Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2006
    Messages:
    934
    A man driving through town sees a home with a sign out front saying "Talking Dog For Sale $5.00". Curious, he stops and asks the owner if he can see the dog. He then asks the dog "If you can really talk, tell me something about yourself".

    The dog says "Well, as a puppy I was always very happy when people said how cute I was. But by the time people saw how smart I was, and the fact that I was fluent in 7 different languages, I was put into a CIA program to accompany a diplomat who would take me into the meeting room, then leave to use the bathroom. While he was gone, the others would talk in their native languages, and I was able to remember everything they said and then tell the diplomat what they were scheming. For my service, I was invited to the White House on 4 different occassions."

    The man was dumbfounded, immediately took out $5 and paid the man. Before leaving he said to the man "this is the most amazing dog I've ever seen -- why did you want to get rid of him, and for only $5 bucks?"

    The owner replied "That dog just plain pisses me off with all his lying -- not a single thing he told you was true."

    Pete
     
  4. 2500 HD

    2500 HD Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2011
    Messages:
    688
    A lady went to a butcher shop in New York and asked the butcher for a Long Island Duck. The butcher pulled a duck out of the cooler for the woman to inspect. She stuck her finger up the ducks hind end and yelled at the butcher " That's not a Long Island Duck that is an Ohio Duck, I need a Long Island Duck" He apoligized, put the duck back in the cooler and pulled out another duck. Again she stucker her finger up the duck's hind end and yelled "This is not a Long Island Duck, It's a Michigan Duck, I need a Long Island Duck" Again the butcher apologized, put the duck back in the cooler and pulled out another duck. Handed it to the woman, and again she put her finger up the duck's hind end " Now that's a Long Island Duck. Your new here are you?" She said to the Butcher. He turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said " I don't know,, YOU TELL ME?"
     
  5. Rebel Sympathy

    Rebel Sympathy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2010
    Messages:
    1,679
    Location:
    Pea Patch, Alabama
    HAW-HAW! Those are good ones.... Mike
     
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