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Your BEST JOKES for a recuperating trapshooter!

Discussion in 'Shooting Related Threads' started by CalamitySJ, Jul 23, 2009.

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  1. CalamitySJ

    CalamitySJ Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2008
    Messages:
    650
    A dear friend and avid trapshooter, Gene Lack, went in last Friday for a routine angioplasty and ended up with a triple bypass early Saturday morning. He's recuperating as best as can be expected in the hospital and it looks like he's coming home this weekend. Keeping this boy down to recover is going to be a chore! His wife told me how much he loves coming on ts and seeing what's going on, so I thought if a lot of you shared your favourite jokes, videos, or websites it might just help keep him occupied during the day.

    Thanks in advance. As I grew up Canadian none of my regular jokes are clean enough to post so can someone else start while I research a little?
     
  2. CalamitySJ

    CalamitySJ Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2008
    Messages:
    650
    Okay, here's my first:

    A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

    He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

    The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

    The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

    The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

    The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

    The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
     
  3. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) Banned User Banned TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    11,666
    Location:
    West Central Florida
    First Affair

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

    One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

    Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

    'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
    We had sex all afternoon.'

    She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'


    The 2nd Affair

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

    He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'


    The 3rd Affair

    A mortician was working late one night..He examined the body of Mr. Bob,
    about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!

    'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

    So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

    'I have something to show you you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

    'My God!' the wife exclaimed,'Bob is dead!'



    The 4th Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

    'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him,
    then dusted him with talcum powder.

    'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

    'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
    so I got one for us, too.'

    No more was said, not even when they went to bed..

    Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned!
    with a sandwich and a beer.

    'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


    The 5th Affair

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer..

    'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

    He glanced at the menu and asked:'How much for a nice juicy steak
    and a bottle of wine?'

    'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
    'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

    The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

    The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

    The bartender replied:'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

    The 6th Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

    He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

    'There's no need to, 'his wife replied...

    'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

    'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work'
     
  4. Pull & Mark

    Pull & Mark Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2006
    Messages:
    5,416
    Best one I can post here. Here it goes, What are the three words that you never want to hear when your making wild and passenate love? Honey I'm home. Break-em all Jeff
     
  5. CalamitySJ

    CalamitySJ Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2008
    Messages:
    650
    This one's my sister's favourite:

    In every marriage, there are three basic stages of sex.

    The first stage is where you just can't get enough of each other. As soon as you're together, no matter where it is, the clothes fly off and things are hot and heavy--in the kitchen, in the living room, on the deck, in the clubhouse--everywhere!

    The second stage is when things settle down and you make love in the comfort of your own bed.

    The third stage? When you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!!!"

    PS. Don't worry, Coach, we're still in the first stage. I thought we were alone in the clubhouse but WS is mighty sneaky with that camera!


    [​IMG]
     
  6. Bushmaster1313

    Bushmaster1313 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2009
    Messages:
    1,605
    One engineer saw a second engineer riding a really nice bicycle.

    "Hey where did you get that great bicycle?" said the first engineer.

    "You won't believe this," said the second engineer, "It did not cost me anything."

    "How so?" asked the first engineer.

    "Well," said the second engineer,"I was walking in the park and the most beautiful woman I had ever seen came riding by me on this great bicycle. She stopped, put the bicycle on the ground, threw off all her clothes, held her arms out to the sides, and said I could have anything I wanted."

    "Good choice" said the first engineer, "I doubt any of the clothes would have fit."
     
  7. Bob Schultz

    Bob Schultz Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,748
    Location:
    Tuxedo NC
    Three California surgeons were playing golf one Saturday morning and they started to brag on their accomplishments ...

    The first one said " I had a patient that cut off four fingers on a table saw and I reattached them so well he now is playing the guitar in a band!"

    The second doctor said " I had a patient who was in a bad motorcycle accident and lost his leg and arm. I reattached them and now he's training for the Olympic gymnast team!"

    The third said " That's pretty good...but I had a patient who was riding her horse down a railroad track and was hit by a high speed train. All they could find was the horse's ass and her hair. I put them together and now she's the Speaker of the House!"
     
  8. hairtrigger

    hairtrigger TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    187
    what is the worst sound you can here when your making love????snoooooring
     
  9. bigdogtx

    bigdogtx Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2006
    Messages:
    10,650
    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
    'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
    So he tied her up and went golfing.


    *****************************************

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
    She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
    The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
    'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




    ********************************************

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband....or wife depending the teller



    *************************************

    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
    First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
    The optician showed him a card with the letters

    'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
    'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
    'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


    ******************************************

    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
    'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'





    ********************************************

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
    'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
    The wife stared at him.
    'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
    The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



    ********************************************************

    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
    On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
    That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
    That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
    The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
     
  10. glenns

    glenns Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2009
    Messages:
    537
    Location:
    Arizona
    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms . And it finally explains to the men why it really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
    (answer at the end of this story)
    We all know when you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom,no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook,if there was one, but there isn't-so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the (FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance' (also known as 'hovering').In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time ... and let's not forget also holding the door with the broken latch closed). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOWwhat kind of diseases you could get.' By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.' As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'The answer to the commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

    This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
     
  11. glenns

    glenns Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2009
    Messages:
    537
    Location:
    Arizona
    DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO
    > ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    > A couple of women moved in across the hall
    > from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the
    > other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These
    > two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
    > man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think
    > they could be Lebanese?
    >
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    > What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
    > Language and Violence on My VCR?
    >
    >
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    > I have a man I can't trust. He
    > cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm
    > carrying is his.
    >
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    > I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman
    > who has been on the pill for two years. It's
    > getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half
    > the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
    > money with him.
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    >
    > I've suspected that my husband has been
    > fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he
    > denied everything and said it would never happen again.
    >
    >
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    > Our son writes that he is taking Judo.
    > Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian
    > home turn against his own?
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    >
    > I joined the Navy to see the world.
    > I've seen it. Now how do I get
    > out?
    >
    > Dear
    > Abby,
    > My forty year old son has been paying a
    > psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half
    > years. He must be crazy.
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    >
    > I was married to Bill for three months and I
    > didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
    >
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    > My mother is mean and short tempered I think
    > she is going through mental pause.
    >
    > Dear Abby,
    > You told some woman whose husband had lost
    > all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my
    > husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.
    > Now what do I
    > do?
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Remember these people can
    > vote!!
     
  12. CalamitySJ

    CalamitySJ Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2008
    Messages:
    650
    This is also one of my favourite stories of all time:


    HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
     
  13. Haskins Bill

    Haskins Bill TS Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2007
    Messages:
    777
    Leroy died in a fire: They found a badly burned body after a fire, the coroner thought it might be Leroy. He called Thebedeau and Beaudreau in to look at the body. First Thebedeau looked and said yep he be burned bad, turn him over. The coroner did and Thebedeau says nope that ain't Leroy. Thebedeau goes out of the room and the coroner calls in Beaudraeu to look. Yep he be burned bad, turn him over. The coroner did and Beaudraeu says nope that ain't Leroy. The coroner gets them both together and asked why they both said it was not Leroy after he turned the body over. Well they both say that whenever they would walk down the street with Leroy people would say look there comes Leroy with them two a$$ holes!
     
  14. Haskins Bill

    Haskins Bill TS Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2007
    Messages:
    777
    Beaudreau and Thebedeau go from Louisiana over to Texas and are walking down a street when the spot a sign saying Suits $8,00 / Shirts $3.00. Beuadreau says let me do the talking we are going to make us some money. They enter and Beaudreau says we will take 10 suits and 25 shirts. The clerk says you all must be from Louisiana Well Beaudreau says yes sir we are. The clerk says I thought so this is a dry cleaners. Bill
     
  15. bigdogtx

    bigdogtx Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2006
    Messages:
    10,650
    There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
    When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.



    'What happened, Grandpa?', he is asked by his concerned children.



    'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
     
  16. recurvyarcher

    recurvyarcher Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2006
    Messages:
    6,450
    PETER EGAN’S TOOL DICTIONARY DEPT....


    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.


    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.


    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.


    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.


    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
    ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.


    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars an motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.


    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Snap-On Tool Calendar over the bench grinder.


    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard- earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt."


    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.


    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.


    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.


    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.


    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.


    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.


    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.


    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.


    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.


    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.


    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


    TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and- tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.


    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.


    Reprinted - Original by Peter Egan [Road & Track]
     
  17. CalamitySJ

    CalamitySJ Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2008
    Messages:
    650
    Thanks to everyone for their great stuff, and to those who have sent me private messages with some really (ahem) GOOD jokes! Gene is still in the hospital, having a bit of difficulty getting jump started so recovery is slow but steadily forward.

    Here is a story that was sent to me a while back that you'll love, no matter if you're a mom, dad, grandparent or someone who has ever been around little kids and their honesty! Read it to the end--it's long but worth it.

    Sal


    A 3-year-old Tells All From his Mother's Restroom Stall"
    By Shannon Popkin


    My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does
    it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the
    library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.


    People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a
    just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the
    volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing
    times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked
    by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last
    week at Costco.


    Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with
    me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom
    that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second
    to the last stall: 'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you
    putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da
    toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you onna go
    stinkies on the potty?'


    At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in
    the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5?
    Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut
    out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued:
    'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl,
    Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?
    Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh . Mommy! I'm trying to see In
    dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get
    some candy!'


    I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of
    me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This
    was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time
    before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in
    Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have
    some!'


    'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started
    to gag at this point.


    'Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are
    making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!' As the gags became louder, so
    did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in
    hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK.
    There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be
    reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue
    will be long gone.


    'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going
    stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off.
    Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet
    outside my door.


    'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door?
    What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'


    More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the
    situation.


    'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now,
    Mommy.' He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don?t you want to
    wash your hands? I want to go out!!'


    I saw that my wait'em out plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the
    door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies
    crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.
    My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's
    the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every
    bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big,
    cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little
    hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy
    to this little fellow.


    (Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives
    with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses
    public restrooms.)
     
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