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Where's the humor?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by mrskeet410, May 1, 2009.

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  1. mrskeet410

    mrskeet410 TS Member

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    Where

    I like the jokes and humor. Where have they gone?
     
  2. RickN

    RickN Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Minnysoda
    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, "I have Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

    Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

    The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
     
  3. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    Wauwatosa Wisconsin
    a young couple on their honeymoon night our at the hotel. the new bride is under the covers with a sheet over her, waiting for her new husband to come to bed. he takes off his socks, and she notices his toes are all scared up. she asked her husband what happened to your toes? he said when i was a kid i contacted a case of toelio, she said you mean polio? he said no toelio. she schrugged her shoulders and laid back down. he then drops his pants, and she notices his knees are all scared up. she asked him what happened to you knees? he said when i was a kid i contact kneesels. she said , do you mean measels? he said no,kneesels. she lays back down. he then takes off his underwear, she looks and says, " don't tell me when you where a kid, you contacted a case of small c-cks".
    steve balistreri
     
  4. Ken X

    Ken X TS Member

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    They always said" A black man will become president in this country when pigs fly!" and look, just 100 days and "Swine Flu!"
     
  5. Ken X

    Ken X TS Member

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    A young chinese guy started a chinese restaurant, and when his business started going good he decided to get married. He found himself a young chinese girl, courted her and got married. On the first night of their honeymoon he had sex with her every way he could think about, about 7 times in a row. He then said "Is there anything you would want?" She said " I hear velly much about numbah 69!" He said " You want chicken with cashews??????"
     
  6. Pull & Mark

    Pull & Mark Well-Known Member

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    I heard a good one this week.
    What are the three words you never want to hear when your making wild and passionate love.





    Honey I'm home. Break-em all Jeff
     
  7. donegal shooter

    donegal shooter Member

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    So paddy walks himself into his favorite pub.He's got a steering wheel attached to his belt buckle,"What's with the wheel?"says the keep.
    "Ah,it drives me nuts!" says he.


    Slainte,


    Scott
     
  8. pdq

    pdq Member

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    934
    An elderly man and woman show up at a doctors office and explain that they are unsure if they are making love properly, and want his advice. While unusual, the doctor agrees to observe, whereupon they undress, get up on the exam table, and have very eneergetic sex for 30 minutes, both achieving orgasm. When dressed, the doctor says he doesn't see any problems, but they protest saying that something doesn't seem right, and ask for a follow-up appointment.

    That appointment turns into a weekly event, and after 8 - 10 weeks the doctor talks to them saying 'I truly don't see anything wrong with your technique, in fact I don't have any married couples your age who could come close to the energy the 2 of you have in your lovemaking -- how long have you been married?"

    The man says 'well we've been married for different periods of time, but never to each other. We came to you because your bill for an office visit is less than us renting a hotel room, and we get reimbursed by Medicare.'

    Pete
     
  9. bhuber

    bhuber TS Member

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    An elderly lady sees her doctor in the post office. He asks her how she has been since she hasn't been in for an appointment in a while. She says well everything is okay except for the fact that everytime she sneezes she has an orgasm. He is kind of shocked and asks well have you been taking anything. She says oh just a little pepper now and then.
     
  10. dmarbell

    dmarbell Active Member

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    I'd like to wish everyone a "Happy Star Wars Day," on this, the Fourth of May.

    May the Fourth Be With You!

    Danny
     
  11. Dave P

    Dave P TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Location:
    Canton, Il.
    WGN TV has decided not to broadcast the Cubs games anymore. But you'll still be able to watch them on the History Channel.
     
  12. Frank C

    Frank C Well-Known Member

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  13. 100straight

    100straight Member

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    Actually they did put in a way that was supposed to keep morons from getting elected. It is called the Electoral College. The original intent was for the Electoral College to be able to override a stupid decision by the people, and place someone else in office (ie. non-moron). That was a concession that was devised to accommodate those in the continental congress who opposed giving the vote to the "common" people, who they felt were not adequately educated to decide such an important matter (and now it turns out they were essentially correct). However, they withheld popular election for Senatorial seats. That didn't come along until 1913.

    Shoot well and often,

    Mark.
     
  14. RickN

    RickN Well-Known Member

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  15. tallpaul

    tallpaul Member

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    A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
     
    "You know what? ' says the 6 year old.  "I think it's about time we started cussing."
     
    The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
     
    "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with 'ass."
     
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
     
    "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
     
    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
     
    "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
     
    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
     
    "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
     
    "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
     
  16. stokinpls

    stokinpls Well-Known Member

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    Pinocchio, Snow White, and Mr. Chairman are out for a stroll in town one day.

    As they walked, they come across a sign:

    "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
    "I am entering!" said Snow White.
    After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
    " First Place!," said Snow White.

    They continue walking and they see a sign:

    "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
    "I'm entering," says Mr. Chairman.
    After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
    " First Place ," answers Mr. Chairman. "Did you ever doubt?"

    They continue walking when they see a sign:

    "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.
    After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
    "What happened?" they asked.
    "Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
     
  17. Browning Man

    Browning Man TS Member

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    Keep-em coming
     
  18. Frank C

    Frank C Well-Known Member

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    2,863
    TRAFFIC CAMERA

    A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

    Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

    Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
     
  19. Haskins Bill

    Haskins Bill TS Member

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    So three dwarves were outside of Guniess Book of World Records office and got to thinking about records. Well the first one said he ahd a real small head and went in and out he came smiling, indeed his head was the smallest in the world. Well the second one said his feet were very small and inside he went. He came out smiling for indeed his feet were the smallest in the world. Well the third on allowed as how his 'pee pee' was very small and inside he went. He comes out and is crying. The others asked him what was the matter and he replied. " Who is this Obama fellow"!
     
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