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Tuesday Humor !!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by BRGII, Jul 7, 2009.

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  1. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    740
    For a cat:

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, leaving only the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


    12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.:


    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.?

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell. Go to pet store and buy a hamster.


    For a dog:

    1. Wrap it in bacon.
    2. Toss it in the air.
     
  2. 700X-user

    700X-user Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2007
    Messages:
    357
    Location:
    NW PA
    Been there done that! Pretty funny. Dogs are definitely low maintenance most times. Dogs think we're Gods, cats think they're Gods!

    ED
     
  3. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    5,074
    Funnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyy~ Thanks for the early morning laugh.

    That was hilarious!

    Hauxfan!
     
  4. nspktr1

    nspktr1 TS Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2006
    Messages:
    336
    Stick pill in cat's mouth, touch the tip of their nose. Cat has to touch nose with tongue, conditioned reflex, has to swallow first. Voila! cat just swallowed pill--simple.
     
  5. cottondoctor

    cottondoctor Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    446
    Location:
    Mississippi
    To a Dog - we are family. To a cat- we are staff.
     
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