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Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by Jerbear, Nov 6, 2007.

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  1. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,588
    DO YOU FART IN BED?


    (IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.)


    THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.


    THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
    THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.


    EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.


    THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE
    THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PAR TS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.


    SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPAN TS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS
    SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETY GOOD..


    ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWSTAIRS IN HIS
    BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.


    HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.


    'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.


    'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'


    BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.'

    HA HA HA ... <embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i35.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid35.photobucket.com/albums/d184/Jerbear1098/Videos/fart_in_bed1.flv"></embed>


    Have a great day and don't forget to laugh, you'll live longer.


    Jerbear
     
  2. TommyTEREX

    TommyTEREX Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    495
    Jerbar, Thanks, LMAO.

    Tom R.
     
  3. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,588
    GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN

    A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed His grandfather
    sitting on the porch, in the rocking

    Chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from The waist down.


    'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in The wind for everyone
    to see!' he exclaimed. The Old man looked off in the distance without
    answering


    'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with Nothing on below the
    waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,


    'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, And I got a stiff
    neck. This is your grandma's Idea.'
     
  4. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,588
    Tree-hugging Lady

    A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
    purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
    highest points in the tract.


    She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started
    to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted
    owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the
    tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.



    In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
    was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all
    the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and
    then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could
    help her. She painfully waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.



    The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

    He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
    Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of
    Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
    recreational

    area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down".
     
  5. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,588
    I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Depression Help Hotline.

    I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan .

    I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

    They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane...
     
  6. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,588
    A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.

    Nothing is moving north or south.

    Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

    The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the holdup?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
    They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

    The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

    "About a gallon."
     
  7. Frank C

    Frank C Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,863
    An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her
    telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring
    right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
    and collar.

    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

    3. The dog was receiving 40 + volts of signaling current when the phone
    number was called.

    4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
    urinate on himself and the ground.

    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
    ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
    moaning.
     
  8. Pull & Mark

    Pull & Mark Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2006
    Messages:
    5,406
    Thanks Frank for BEST Joke that I have heard, for quit some time. I'm going to have to file that one, Thanks again. Break-em all. Jeff
     
  9. Frank C

    Frank C Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,863
    Her Diary:


    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

    Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.....but he said, "nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

    He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

    I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



    His Diary:


    Missed a giant buck today, but at least I got laid.
     
  10. Maineman

    Maineman TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    14
    I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

    Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhula, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a ten year old roach I found in my toolbox, and a box of chocolates.

    You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

    Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
    peace.
     
  11. Bvr Tail

    Bvr Tail Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    1,921
    A couple had been married for 40 years and from their honeymoon night, each time they made love, he shut off all the lights. Each time she was completely satisfied, but was always curious about his strange custom.

    One night, after 40 years of marriage, she got out of the bed quickly after an encounter, and turned the lights on.

    To her surprise, he was holding a large, rubber dildo! He admitted he had been using this instead of the conventional tool.

    She asked " Can you explain why you have been using this all these years?"

    He replied "Sure, I'll explain this, just as soon as you explain our kids!"

    Danny
     
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