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The Queen

Discussion in 'Politics, Elections & Legislation' started by Ahab, Oct 20, 2011.

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  1. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

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    Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA




    [​IMG]


    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
    In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
    effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


    1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    ------------------------

    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
    There is no such thing as U.S. English.
    We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
    The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

    -------------------

    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    -----------------

    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
    The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
    Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
    If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

    ----------------------

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
    Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    ----------------------

    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.
    At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    --------------------

    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.
    Get used to it.

    -------------------

    8. You will learn to make real chips.
    Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
    Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    -------------------

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
    Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
    New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
    They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
    American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    ---------------------

    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
    Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
    Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    ---------------------

    11. You will cease playing American football.
    There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).
    Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    ---------------------

    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
    It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America .
    Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
    You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    --------------------

    13. You must tell us who killed JFK.
    It's been driving us mad.

    -----------------

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    ---------------

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


    God Save the Queen!
     
  2. twopipe

    twopipe Member

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    what about the zee vs zed debacle ? and what replaces Y'all ?
     
  3. WS-1

    WS-1 Banned User Banned

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    Somebody should have told her that marijuana is a dangerous "gateway" drug.

    Bitch be crazy!
     
  4. crusha

    crusha TS Member

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    That's odd; all that blather, and not a single mention of the country being run by ragheads.


    Do you suppose the old bat has looked outside her castle lately?


    With all those cameras around...you'd have thought she'd picked up on it.


    (Psst, biatch...if you want to buy back pieces of your former Empire, China will give you a better deal on Hong Kong - they ain't done with us yet).
     
  5. donegal shooter

    donegal shooter Member

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    We'll be watchin'for ye,Lizzy


    Slainte,Scott
     
  6. EuroJoe

    EuroJoe TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Ahh, Lucas ! "The Prince of Darkness"
     
  7. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

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    The reason that the Brits drink warm beer .... Lucas also makes refrigerators!
     
  8. Maurice

    Maurice Member

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    The Brits drink warm beer so that they can taste it. Americans drink cold beer so that they cannot taste it, because it tastes so bloody awful. Except for a few specialist brewers you Americans cannot make good beer. Maurice (The Brit.}
     
  9. Catpower

    Catpower Molon Labe TS Supporters

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    English beer tastes like swill, if you think it tastes good your taste buds are shot
     
  10. Big Heap

    Big Heap TS Member

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    I hope she doesn't want medals back.

    She awarded this to my Welsh cousin for his services and I received it from his estate when he died.
     
  11. Hal1225

    Hal1225 Member

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    Piss on the King and Queen. Time they got a real job and stopped stealing the peoples money. The same goes for the crooked leaders here.


    Harry
     
  12. wayneo

    wayneo Active Member

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    Hey Liz, how much you and the rest of your Euro friends owe US for bailing your sorry asses out of two world wars?

    Wayne
     
  13. Brian in Oregon

    Brian in Oregon Well-Known Member

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    Oh that's just peachy... a stuffy old anachronism from a has-been, broke, third world Orwellian police state lecturing us, then threatening to make this part of their collapsed empire again.

    I just got one question... you and what army?
     
  14. HSLDS

    HSLDS Well-Known Member

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    You know why the Brits drink warm beer??

    -

    Because Lucas makes refrigerators...
     
  15. Maurice

    Maurice Member

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    Wayne, you should read a little history. You did not bail any ones ass out in the WW1, you came in at the last minute and did very little,victory was already determined. Britain paid off its WW2 Lend lease debt eons ago,and also remember that Britain was fighting for nearly three years before America came in and only because you were attacked by Japan. For the rest of you who have got your knickers in a twist about this post, cant you recognise a little light hearted humour. Maurice ( The Brit. )
     
  16. Don Rackley

    Don Rackley Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

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    The note was hilarious!

    True story, in 1996, I moved to the UK to run a factory. The job went well and the British people were great,

    In the summer of 1997, I announced in my staff meeting that I would be out of the office on July 4. I looked around the table at my staff and quickly said "Oh, you don't celebrate that date here?"

    I felt like a moron, it's funny now.
     
  17. porky

    porky TS Member

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    Maurice, Let's not forget the support that was given to you by the US, supplies including food, handguns, flyers, boats, planes, tanks, etc , 3 years prior to the US entry into the war. While it is true that the US didn't want to enter the war, we had already committed a great deal of industry to the war in Europe already. Only after Pearl Harbor did everyone see the need to stop the Axis. Britain was on it's way out and Germany knew it. Japan was expanding in Asia. The US supplied the personnel and the technology enabling the Allies to win the war, but it took another 4 years to do it. I know that Britain would have fell before that and your national language would now be German. Now I see that your enemy is within and you are having to learn the Arab language and Sharia law. This one you cannot outrun. The liberals that run your country are sympathetic to them and besides, the liberals are making a lot of money from the Arabs. We in the US are learning spanish so that we can watch TV and read labels on food items and menus in resturants, etc. Our children will look back and say that there was a point at which our countries could have prevented this, but the politicans saw a way to make money from the immigrants and forced them on us. So goes the way of the world. Just follow the money.
     
  18. Maurice

    Maurice Member

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    Git-Er-Done, agreed that America did give Britain lots of material help before they entered the war, but Britain paid for that in spades, all that material and food was under the Lend Lease programme. I must remind you that The Battle of Britain was won in 1940 and Hitler gave up any idea of invading Britain and then took on Russia, from that point on Britain's industry was able to produce more aircraft, guns and tanks etc. she even supplied this type of material to Russia.With Britain's air superiority he could never have crossed the channel with enough strength to be successful. I am very familiar with the War years in Britain as I was there and lived through it, I was also on active service with the British infantry in the early 50's in the Far East. You are also misinformed they are not teaching British children Arabic and Sharia law is not in force. The Liberals are not in power in Britain, for your information the Conservatives are now in power. Just a small reminder, on D Day American forces made up 40% of the landing forces, the Brits 40%, Canadians 10% and the remainder were French, Polish and a mixture of other commonwealth forces.We were and always will be grateful for the help you gave us but you did not win the war on your own as Hollywood would like the world to believe. We remain two friendly Nations divided by a common language. Maurice ( The Brit. )
     
  19. porky

    porky TS Member

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    Maurice, Thank you for your update. Thankfully we are living with an outcome of the war that was acceptable to all of us. Again, thank you for the correction. P.S. Thank you for your service.
     
  20. Two Dogs

    Two Dogs Well-Known Member

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    Moe..Thank you for setting us straight..Most Americans today think of the Hollywood versions of how the wars were won.....We older ones know the facts...
     
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