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Thanks a Lot!!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by BRGII, Aug 17, 2009.

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  1. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    740
    I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


    I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.


    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


    I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



    I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


    I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

    I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ....


    I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

    I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
     
  2. K-GUNS

    K-GUNS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    628
    Amen brother !
     
  3. Andy Ott

    Andy Ott Guest

    Is that whats troubling you Bunky?
     
  4. Remstar311

    Remstar311 Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2008
    Messages:
    942
    Coke is also great for cleaning off battery terminals.
     
  5. Quack Shot

    Quack Shot Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2006
    Messages:
    4,003
    Have you SEEN the size of the KFC Chicken pieces these days? They can't be more than three days old! No WONDER Oprah was giving them away! :)
     
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