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Thanks a lot.....NOT....

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by bigdogtx, Dec 12, 2011.

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  1. bigdogtx

    bigdogtx Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2006
    Messages:
    10,650
    As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because you can’t remove the toilet stains.

    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

    THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

    Oh, and by the way......

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read posts with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

    NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…;-)
     
  2. porky

    porky TS Member

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  3. Sam Ogle

    Sam Ogle Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2006
    Messages:
    174
    Bump for funny one
    Sam Ogle, Lincoln, NE
     
  4. stokinpls

    stokinpls Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    6,487
    And, in case you have any extra cash......
     
  5. blade819

    blade819 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2007
    Messages:
    4,465
    nice...
     
  6. robervl

    robervl TS Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2010
    Messages:
    65
    But other than that you have nothing to worry about.
     
  7. John Galt

    John Galt TS Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2011
    Messages:
    2,788
    dog, you must be a genius to have thought up all that by yourself. You should write a book or become a stand-up commedian.
     
  8. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    5,055
    Location:
    Near but not in chicago
    quit ur bitchn and enjoy life as you know it! LOL
     
  9. bigdogtx

    bigdogtx Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2006
    Messages:
    10,650
    John,,,,Can't take credit for writing it,,,,but I did receive almost EVERY ONE of those warnings this year....LOL
     
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