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Some short ones.*****Humor.

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), Jul 9, 2011.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

    Aug 27, 2007
    West Central Florida
    Looks of Disappointment:
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

    Catholic Dog:
    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
    'It is!'
    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
    'I do!'
    'Is he a member of your congregation?'
    'He is!'
    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
    'He will.'

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
    Man: 'What sins?'
    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...... I'm telling everybody!'

    Brothel Trip:
    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

    Pest Control:
    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
    'Who are you?' he asked him..
    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'...

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'
    Husband: Nothing.
    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
    Wife: 'Yes or no.'
    Stress Reliever:
    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

    Husbands are husbands:
    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
    Wife replied... 'Your horse phoned'
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