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Some short funnies, add yours.

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), Jul 2, 2009.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Add yours, see how many we get. Short ones.
    Have a great 4th everyone. Mike.(Bulge)

    Subject: Funnies



    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
    The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
    'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
    'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

    -----------------------------------

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.

    ------------------------------ -----

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
    The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    'Thank you,' the blonde says and hangs up.

    -----------------------------------

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez..
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun? What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
    -----------------------------------

    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
    Joe: 'Really?'
    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

    -----------------------------------

    A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
    'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
    'What did he say?' asked the nurse.
    'Oops!'

    -----------------------------------

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
    It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
    'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    He's still in intensive care.

    -----------------------------------

    The graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
     
  2. Barry C. Roach

    Barry C. Roach Well-Known Member

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    My parents crippled me as a baby. They had me circumcised and I couldn't walk for a year and a half.
     
  3. Country Squire

    Country Squire TS Member

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    I'm not scared of the Devil, I was married to his sister.
     
  4. timb99

    timb99 Well-Known Member

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    When dealing with "difficult women."

    What's the matter with you? Did a house just fall on your sister?
     
  5. gary0920

    gary0920 Member

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    Farah Fawset stands before the all mighty on the day of her judgment and asks if she could have just one wish before entering heaven. The all mighty grants her wish to make all the children of the world safe. Now you know why Michael Jackson died later that day!
     
  6. tarhawk

    tarhawk TS Member

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    A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says " What is this, some kind of a joke?"
     
  7. HSLDS

    HSLDS Well-Known Member

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    Why do Canadians have sex 'doggie style?'




    So they can both watch the hockey game...
     
  8. hunter870

    hunter870 Member

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    Bozo the clown is captured by cannibals. The entire tribe sits down for the feast. The king takes the first bite, looks up, and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
     
  9. pyrdek

    pyrdek Well-Known Member

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    If Pro is the opposite of Con, what is the opposite of Progress?
     
  10. mollyone

    mollyone TS Member

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    did you hear about the lucky fisherman



    he married a woman with worms
     
  11. 700X-user

    700X-user Member

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    How about the cannibal that passed his neighbor in the woods!

    Or how about the cannibals that ate the missionary, it was their first taste of religion!

    Both of my wives gave me problems, the first one left me and the second one won't!
     
  12. mollyone

    mollyone TS Member

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  13. BT-100dc

    BT-100dc Active Member

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    Mark Twain - "The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin".

    When you think about it he was thinking this before modern repressive taxes.

    BT100dc
     
  14. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

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    What's the difference between a prosche and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
     
  15. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Bruce, did you mean Porsche? As in car?
     
  16. IM390

    IM390 Member

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    A little girl came to school telling the priest Jesus is in her bathroom. Why? he asked. Because she said every morning my dad pounds on the bathroom door yelling "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    What is God the Father's name?....it's Howard. In the Lord's prayer all the kids say "Our Father How-ard in heaven."
     
  17. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

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    Bulge, I did, once again my inability to mulitask is revealed
     
  18. Country Squire

    Country Squire TS Member

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    I disagree withIM390 His name is Andy. Andy walks with me Andy talks with me Andy tells me I am his own.
     
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