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Some Saturday humor. Southern Police

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), Aug 20, 2011.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) Banned User Banned TS Supporters

    Joined:
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    11,666
    Location:
    West Central Florida
    Thought you could use a laugh today.

    Subject: Fwd: Southern Police

    Theseare actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken
    off their car videos:

    1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

    2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
    after you wear them a while."

    3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

    4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

    8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

    11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
    oven."

    12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

    13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

    14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
    to write as many tickets as we can."

    15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

    AND THE WINNER IS....


    16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
    Sign
    here."
     
  2. likes-to-shoot

    likes-to-shoot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    6,087
    Location:
    Iowa
    A buddy of mine says there are three guaranteed ways to get a ticket from him.

    1. If a woman starts crying.

    2. If you lie to him

    3. (my favorite) Can hardly or can't speak english.
     
  3. mooney

    mooney Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    104
    Here in South Carolina police is actually two words:"po-leece"

    Mooney Glenn Wedding
     
  4. slowdp

    slowdp TS Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2007
    Messages:
    779
    on the flip side of that:

    A cop shooting radar pulled a teenager and said "I've been waiting on you all day."

    The kid said "Officer, I got here as fast as I could."
     
  5. GrubbyJack

    GrubbyJack Member

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2006
    Messages:
    527
    The best one I ever heard was at the Alabama police academy, where we had “old” (from the 60’s) state trooper as instructors. My favorite was; Walking up to the car, the trooper said you just ran that stop sign, driver replied “will I slowed down”, trooper response was “If I took out my night stick and started beating you on the head, and you yell out “STOP” , you want me just to slow down”… Grubby
     
  6. GrubbyJack

    GrubbyJack Member

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2006
    Messages:
    527
    As to what you read in the newspaper, one ole Trooper told us never trust what you read in the newspaper, they lie like crazy; his story went on in the OLD SOUTH, the paper reported that we turned the dogs and fire hoses on demonstrators, that was a dam lie, we all ways hosed them down before we set the dogs on them…. Grubby
     
  7. BDodd

    BDodd TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,594
    So, you know Sgt. Smith and Captain Jones, eh? Well, we had to fire both those drunks 6 months ago!

    And my favorite was to always thank them for their courtesy. If they weren't, it hurt like heck but how could they complain. If they were, I got thanked back. Some even apologized and became friendly.....breakemall
     
  8. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,650
    A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real mouthy jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
    instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
    orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy, points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

    The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

    On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

    Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
    reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
    underlined."

    "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

    "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    "Aggressive and hostile?"

    "Yes, Sir.”

    "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

    “Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”


    ~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~
     
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