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Saturday Snickers

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Ahab, Jul 6, 2013.

  1. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Out of line…

    Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some fat chick who was snoring and farting… so I knew I made it home OK!

    The wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night. All I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.
    It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,
    or "foreplay" as my wife likes to call it.

    After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong.

    I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered, McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
    I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

    My Mrs. packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, shescreamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
    "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

    A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers!"

    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.