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Retirement

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by OLD ONE EYE, Nov 4, 2011.

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  1. OLD ONE EYE

    OLD ONE EYE Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,247
    Location:
    Florida / Idaho
    Retirement !!!
    Question: How many days in a week?
    Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



    Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
    Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


    Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



    Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


    Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


    Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
    Answer: Tied shoes.


    Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



    Question: What is the common term for a senior who still works and refuses to retire?
    Answer: NUTS!


    Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Or move back in there . . .



    Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer: Normal.


    Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
    Answer: The never ending Coffee Breakā€¦spiked !


    Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



    Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he worked with?
    Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



    And, my very favorite....
    QUESTION: What do you do all week?
    Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.




    SERENITY


    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
    'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..
    'Two years older than me'
    'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
    She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?






    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'





    The nice thing about being senile is
    you can hide your own Easter eggs





    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
    I'm half blind,
    can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver's license.





    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
    so I got my doctor's permission to
    join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
    by the time I got my leotards on,
    the class was over.





    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
    told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
    she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
    'Why Wal-Mart?'
    'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'





    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.





    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.





    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    as your coffee maker.





    These days about half the stuff
    in my shopping cart says,
    'For fast relief.'





    THE SENILITY PRAYER :
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.





    Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

    Always Remember This:
    You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
    You grow old because you stop laughing
     
  2. HSLDS

    HSLDS Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2006
    Messages:
    6,357
    Location:
    S-E PA
    Soon to be senior prayer:

    I hope to die as did my grandmother - peacefully in her sleep,

    Rather than screaming and yelling - like all the passengers in her car.
     
  3. Catpower

    Catpower Molon Labe TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    10,231
    Location:
    In the Cabana
    Those were good ones guys

    But they are kinda true if you really think about it

    Sometimes I catch myself thinking about how I missed work, but I get right over it
     
  4. Release Trigger

    Release Trigger Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    400
    Location:
    Sydney Australia
    Old One Eye,

    Nothing like a good laugh, you have made my day, thank you.

    Release.......
     
  5. Oscar Ray

    Oscar Ray TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2010
    Messages:
    814
    I can relate.... I retired Nov 1st and am loving every single minute of it LOL
     
  6. Haskins Bill

    Haskins Bill TS Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2007
    Messages:
    777
    Miss work? Yeah, well I had a big ole boil on my butt once and I miss that too!!!!
     
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