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Really funny lawyer thread!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Bob Schultz, Jan 26, 2009.

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  1. Bob Schultz

    Bob Schultz Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Tuxedo NC
    a friend of mine sent these to me today ,,, I LMAO and figured we all could use a good laugh. Read on!


    Some pretty funny stuff!

    Disorder in the American Courts:

    These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are

    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

    published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while

    these exchanges were actually taking place.







    ____________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    _________________________ ___________




    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: getting laid

    ____________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ____________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________




    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________




    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________




    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________




    And the best for last:




    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.




    THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.
     
  2. bigdogtx

    bigdogtx Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    10,650
    ROTFLMAO,,,,thanks Bob, I needed that today.
     
  3. ricks1

    ricks1 TS Member

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    1,545
    well now I have to clean my beer up. That's good
     
  4. elmo

    elmo Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    85
    So whats the difference between a carp and a lawyer.

    ?

    ?

    ?


    ? One is a bottom feeding scum sucker.



    The other is a fish.
     
  5. BIGDON

    BIGDON Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
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    6,625
    Location:
    Michigan
    Bob: So true!!


    Don
     
  6. g7777777

    g7777777 TS Supporters TS Supporters

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    9,353
    There really is much better "material" than this available

    regards from Iowa

    Gene
     
  7. 391 shooter

    391 shooter Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    2,094
    I think I know a couple of these lawyers. LOL
     
  8. Bob_K

    Bob_K Well-Known Member

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    Messages:
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    Location:
    Afton, Virginia
    So have you heard that Harvard Medical School will no longer be doing medical experiments on rats? They are going to use lawyers instead. There are more of them and you don't get so emotionally attached...
     
  9. tom-n8ies

    tom-n8ies Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2006
    Messages:
    332
    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
    out to investigate.

    He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'


    'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to
    eat grass.'

    'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
    you,' the lawyer said.

    'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
    are over there, under that tree.'

    'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us,
    also.' The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir,
    I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

    'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered .

    They a ll entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
    car as large as the limousine was.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
    said, 'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you for taking all of us with
    you.'

    The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.'




    'The grass is almost a foot high.'
     
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