Scottish Wedding; At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. SEX; Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband. Lance Armstrong; I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigin bike. Drive By; A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!! The Agony of Aging; On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back". SCAM; Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Pregnant Prostitute; Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" She answers "For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"