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OT Saturday Humor

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by BRGII, Sep 6, 2008.

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  1. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    740
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________ _______________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now d octor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WI TNESS: Are you shittin' me?
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a b eard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    __________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
    ________ _ ________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    _________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    _________________________________________________________
    And the best for last:


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
     
  2. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2007
    Messages:
    11,666
    Location:
    West Central Florida
    Good ones! I'll forward them to mengwe. Murray
     
  3. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    5,055
    Location:
    Near but not in chicago
    I love this stuff, lol
     
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