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(OT) Jokes.........

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by Hauxfan, Mar 10, 2007.

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  1. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 1998

    Mr. Common Sense

    Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

    1- Knowing when to come in out of the rain

    2- Why the early bird gets the worm

    3- Life isn't always fair

    4- Maybe it was my fault.

    Common Sense lived by simple & sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

    His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

    Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Midol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

    Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

    Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

    Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

    Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

    He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

    Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.


    A man walked into a bar in Tulsa . Okla and ordered a drink.
    While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's
    political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced
    to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!"

    The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club
    about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the
    mouth, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

    After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up
    and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know
    this was Hillary country."

    "It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!"


    We Must Stop This Immediately!
    Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night !! Very sneaky stuff..

    And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

    I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

    I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

    Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

    Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

    The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck ! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

    I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

    All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

    PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were. (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer. Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

    A VERY BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS!!!!!! (Now he's dead!) A braver one that forwards it??????? - (R.I.P.) Son asked his mother the following question:

    "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

    The mother looks at her son and replies,

    "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

    The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

    "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

    The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

    "Son, all household appliances come in white."


    Contest Winner!

    The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political Correctness. And the winning definition:

    Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!

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