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OT I thought it was funny

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by schutzemgud, Aug 13, 2010.

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  1. schutzemgud

    schutzemgud TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Ok, this is funny

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Taser.

    The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed.
    I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .....


    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:
    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

  2. mixer

    mixer Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Coral Springs, Florida
    True or not that's a very funny story.

  3. DoubleAuto

    DoubleAuto Well-Known Member

    Jun 3, 2007
    Out On The Mountain
    If this is Larry's Pistol and Pawn in Huntsville, Alabama that explains it. Just look on it has an Alabama resident furthering their grade school education.

  4. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Near but not in chicago
    LMAO I'm sure I'd have tried it too.
  5. Chichay

    Chichay TS Supporters TS Supporters

    May 27, 2007
    Word of caution for the intrepid (or stupid) thinking your experience will be different: Electricity through the muscles make them contract, so you will be unable to stop zapping yourself. This is the reason why if you accidentally touch a live wire with your bare hands, you will not be able to let go. Chichay
  6. southjblue

    southjblue Active Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Schultzemund---I just looked and I now have 4 testicles---Where do U live???SJB---
  7. Jim101

    Jim101 Active Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Knob Noster, Mo
    This is still a funny story, It's been around for quite some time. First time I seen it was when Chuck Shmidt aka CLS posted it about four years ago.

    For some reason every time I read it I think of Tron.

  8. puablo

    puablo Well-Known Member

    Sep 18, 2006
    Super story!!! I had tears in my eyes with laughter! Thanks, I needed that!
  9. Remington STS

    Remington STS TS Member

    Jun 22, 2010
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