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Opinion needed

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by hrosik123, Jun 23, 2011.

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  1. hrosik123

    hrosik123 Member

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    Today I've done something I haven't done in many, many years. I talked to my mom. When I was a young kid around 6 I remember my mom leaving. It was a hard time. I overcame and turned out to be what I would consider to be a good man. Today I reached out and talked to her. I felt all the emotions of a young child even though I'm 40. How do I proceed? My newly found relationship with god tells me to forgive and forget but my personal instincts tell me to tread softly. I seek your help because I'm not sure of the answer. Please help. I want to do the right thing. Thanks a lot. Chuck Hrosik
     
  2. Gunn

    Gunn TS Member

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    Chuck: I went through something similar. I was raised by my mom, but I had a mother. I did not talk to my mother until I got out of the Army. I tried to bridge the gap, my older brother and sister did a better job than I. I never got that warm feeling about her. Maybe it was because I already felt that I had a mom. Even up until the day she died 30 years later I never shed a tear for her. I just say to you to tread lightly. There was a reason you never communicated with her. Take things slowly. Good Luck Tim
     
  3. Barry C. Roach

    Barry C. Roach Well-Known Member

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    You can forgive without recommitting to a Mother/Son relationship. It would be very rare for you to recover a normal relationship with your biological mother. I have known several folks that are in your boat and to a man/woman the emotional ties were very difficult to retie at best. None reached a very satisfying relationship - sorry to say.
     
  4. rocko

    rocko Member

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    Go with your gut feelings. That's what got you where you are. Don't ask us or listen to us just go with your gut.
     
  5. slayer

    slayer Well-Known Member

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    Chuck: A shooting buddy of mine says this about mothers:"You only get one". Unfortunately the one you have may not be very sentimental about mother/son relations. If you still have a lot of unresolved anger toward her, maybe just let it go. Ultimately it's your call. Good luck and my heart goes out to you. Bill in MI
     
  6. Pull & Mark

    Pull & Mark Well-Known Member

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    Take it easy and start slowly. As said above make sure your anger is worked out. You can't build a new foundation unless you start with a clean slate. Good Luck and Break=em all. Jeff
     
  7. Remstar311

    Remstar311 Member

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    Forgive and forget is the right thing to do Chuck. Life is too short, but that doesn't mean you and your mother will have a relationship. I would say the ball is in her court and if it doesn't pan out, so be it. You will be glad you reached out, as hard as it was. Follow your own advice and tread softly.

    Nick
     
  8. Garry

    Garry Active Member

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    "My newly found relationship with God"

    Halleluiah, Praise the Lord!!!!!!

    God has all the answers you are looking for, not man. Don't be afraid to get down on your knees, open up your heart to God and ask him to do the driving from now on. All of us our sinners and sometimes we are tempted to let go of God's hand, so every morning I ask God to never ever let go of my hand when I am tempted to let go of his hand.
     
  9. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

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    Chuck, I may be out of line here but here are my thoughts. You've taken the first step in what I'm guessing will be many towards building some kind of relationship with her. Follow your feellings and give it time. I was adopted and had great parents that raised me and gave me a good life. That said, there was always and empty place in my heart that could only be filled by my birth parents, I searched for five years and spent thousands of dollars, My search ended with finding a half sister and some aunts, uncles, and cousins. My birth mother had passed away about ten years prior to my search. I never got a chance to speak to her. So many questions go unanswered as I never had a chance to meet or speak to her. When she passed she took to her grave, who my birth father was so I'll never know who he was or if I have realtives that may be alive on his side. Life hands us all circumstnace that we react to and your mother had in her mind a good reason for leaving when she did. It was a long time ago and I think your lucky to have the opportunity to talk with her and listen to what it was that made her make the choice she did.
     
  10. Leo

    Leo Well-Known Member

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    Chuck, you have done the right thing. To go forward without landing either one of you into a depression you need to plan well. Remove from this any expectations. Un fulfilled expectations will turn things sour very quickly. Remove from it any shame and guilt. That was then, this is now. You are a new creation, old things have passed away. Set up healthy boundries. You owe nothing to her, but Love and respect, she owes you nothing but the same. Do not try to press in too fast, nor allow her to press in to fast. You are a man and no longer under her motherly authority. It is healthy for her to see you as a man and respect that. Be kind and gentle.

    I was an intern when oprah had a bunch of specials about finding birth parents. Once you find them you have to know what to do to make any relationship healthy. Not having thought that fact through kept the counseling appointment book filled for a long time. Go slow and pray, find a trusted friend (whose own life is in order) to be a sounding board when things are not making sense. Bless you. It is ok if you ever want to private message me, it is my area of study
     
  11. pyrdek

    pyrdek Well-Known Member

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    I would think if you knew beforehand why she left you and it was NOT for your good but her own benefit, then don't pursue a "reunion". Just tread lightly.

    Now if she left you because it was the thing to do to provide you a good life, maybe she could not provide food or she had mental/alcohol/drug/other problems that placed you in danger, and she dropped out of your life to allow you to have a better life than the one she offered, and she now has those problems resolved. then you may want to talk. Do it with a friend of yours there to support you and "pull you out", at least at first, in case it is sucking you into something that will hurt you.

    What was the reason she left? (Do not tell us, just ask yourself the question.)

    I notice that you said you talked with her but did not indicate if it was you who tracked her down and made the call or if it was her who initiated the contact. Did you know for some time where she was and how to get in touch or was this a unplanned encounter?

    If it was her initiating the call, she may have found out that she is dying and wants to at least see what you have done with your life. On the other hand, she may be looking to tap you for something (money, housing. ?) If that is the case, be careful you don't get sucked into a trap. It is also possible that she may have been raped and impregnated with you and just could not stand you being there to remind her of that every day. All of those things can affect your now relationship, if any, with her. There may be a hundred other things also involved in why you were left.

    Did you have any contact with your Dad or was he out of the picture when your Mother left? If you did have a continuing contact, what did he have to say about the entire situation? Who raised you? Was it a Dad, a family member from his side, a family member from your mother's side or someone not related to you by blood but by love?

    Answer those questions to yourself and then I think you will have a better handle on what you may want to do.
     
  12. Drew Hause

    Drew Hause Well-Known Member

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    May God bless you for your courage Chuck. Please check the "Forgiveness" article in the above link.
     
  13. hrosik123

    hrosik123 Member

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    Thanks for the advice. I've got a lot to think about and I will. Good luck and god bless. Chuck
     
  14. porky

    porky TS Member

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    Chuck, Now that you are older, you can try to understand her reasons for leaving. Everyone isn't the same. Reasons mean different things to different people. Try to keep a log of your conversations so that you can keep them straight, emotions will confuse them. As emotional as you are going to be about this, you will have to create a person in yourself that will be mature and grounded. May I suggest that you get to a Christain psychiatrist as soon as possible or for that matter even a lay psychiatrist. Seek a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist. It will pay off in the end.
     
  15. shot410ga

    shot410ga Well-Known Member

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    She didn't care about you then. Do you really thing she cares about you now? Most people that meet their long lost sons or daughters do it out of curiosity, not some kind of lost or wayward love. Don't expect much from her.
     
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