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Old Italian Golfer**** Humor.we need some

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Barrelbulge(Fl), May 5, 2011.

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  1. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

    'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

    'Who said my father's dead?'

    The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

    'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

    'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

    'Who said my Nono's dead?'

    Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

    'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

    'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

    'Who said he wanted to?'
     
  2. cunninmp

    cunninmp Member

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    Good one Bulge!
     
  3. Jim R

    Jim R Ljutic Nut TS Supporters

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    Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!


    A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.


    The ladies are taking their time.


    When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


    She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu***ng lessons I took over the winter didn't help."


    One of the men immediately responds: "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"


    He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68.......
     
  4. Shooting Sailor

    Shooting Sailor Well-Known Member

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    A woman golfer was in the bar after a round, and was complaining to the bartender about getting bee stung while on the course. "Gee, thats too bad! Where were you stung?" asked the bartender. "Between hole 1 and hole 2" she answered. "I see" said the bartender. "I would say your stance is a little too wide!"
     
  5. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

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    Bulge go redecorate some new walls
     
  6. robervl

    robervl TS Member

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    A man goes into the pro shop and the pro says joe i thought you just teed off a while ago. Joe says i did but my throat kinda hurts. Pro says what happened. Joe says you know the cattle pasture between #2 and #3. Pro says yes. Joe says i sliced my ball on #2 out in the pasture and was looking for my ball, and i noticed a lady that was playing #3 was looking for her ball. Pro says yes and. Joe says i noticed a cow walking along and she had a ball sticking in her butt, and i lifted the cows tail and asked hey lady does this one look like yours? She hit me with a five iron.
     
  7. HANGFIRE

    HANGFIRE Member

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    Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:

    "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

    Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
    country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

    There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
    extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
    about.

    Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
    stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
    to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

    Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
    lantern back and forth, back and forth.

    Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
    lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
    felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

    Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

    Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
    They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

    What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
    the forest to serve all who came.

    General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

    The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

    A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

    Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
    desperately need warmth and comfort.'

    Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
    smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right
    place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

    Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

    And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
     
  8. BDodd

    BDodd TS Member

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    Bob announces he's going golfing in the morning and the wife was furious. She reminds him that they are expected at her brother's wedding at 1pm tomorrow. He claims there is no issue because he'll pick up Bud in the morning early and they'll be back in time. She finally agrees but warns him he best make it work right.

    Bob's up at 5 AM and heads out. On the way a torrential rain begins and his RR tire goes flat. He suffers with the tire change and is soaking wet by the time he gets to Bud's place only to find Bud is still in bed. He wakes Bud, gets him moving, and they are finally away really late. On the golf course they get by 3 holes and catch up with some newbies. They find one of the new guys is behind them and about to swing on his ball. The fellow swings and the ball hits Bud dead center in the forehead and kills him on the spot.

    Still raining, Bob finally gets home just a little before midnight. The wife is ready to chew him up one side down the other but when Bob gives her the story of what happened, she softens some but still can't see why it required being as late as he was. He explaned, " Well, it continued to rain forever and I had to hit the ball; drag Bud. Hit the balll; drag Bud. Hit the ball; drag Bud!"
     
  9. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Hangfire, that was excellent. Bulge.
     
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