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Official Joke thread!

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Claymuncher, Dec 8, 2011.

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  1. Claymuncher

    Claymuncher Member

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    This is probably not the first joke thread but I thought because its winter I would start another one.




    "A man was walking down the sidewalk one day and heard a lot of people chanting on the other side of the fence he was walking by. They kept chanting over and over again the word thirteen, thirteen, thirteen. Spotting a hole in the fence and his curiosity overwhelming him he crept up to the hole and looked through. He was instantly poked very hard in eye and as he fell away from the fence he could hear the chanting of "fourteen, fourteen fourteen"


    Makes you think of "Shot Strings".

    Share your favorite ones......

    CM
     
  2. Porcupine

    Porcupine Active Member

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    Location:
    South Central Massachusetts
    A guy falls out of a third story window onto the sidewalk, and is lying on the ground with a bunch of broken bones. A crowd forms around him trying to help. A cop runs up and asks, "What happened?" The guy on the ground replies, "I don't know. I just got here!"

    (Thanks, Henny)

    LA in MA
     
  3. GPer

    GPer TS Member

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    Location:
    Arizona
    My favorite in the last couple of days.....


    I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years".

    He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!"
     
  4. Didreckson

    Didreckson Active Member

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    Location:
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    Geez, I thought this another Obama thread.....the official joke.
     
  5. Claymuncher

    Claymuncher Member

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    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine,
    Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
    apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
    officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
    tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
    car and fall into it.

    He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
    and drove off.

    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked
    fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
    times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

    He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
    remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
    vehicles left.

    At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
    and drove slowly down the road.

    The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
    up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
    over and administered a breathalyzer test.

    To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
    had consumed any alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
    the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'


    'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper.

    'Tonight I'm the designated Decoy.'
     
  6. APrice

    APrice Active Member

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    1,208
    The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and had new dentures in place.

    The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

    The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

    But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes.

    When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

    “The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

    The second Sunday, my new dentures were still hurting me a lot.

    The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I couldn’t shut up.”
     
  7. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Location:
    West Central Florida
    Subj: Dog Lover


    A dog lover, whose bitch was 'in heat' agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while they were away on holiday.

    She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious stress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen when they mate.

    She was unable to separate them and was worried as what to do next. Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked doubtfully.

    "Why not? It just did for me." He replied.
     
  8. SirMissalott

    SirMissalott Active Member

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    2,241
    I went shopping for a Turkey for the holidays needed a big one, all I saw was 12-15lbs. So I asked the clerk do these get any bigger? She promptly answered no that they had been dead for a couple of weeks. Bada boom
     
  9. Claymuncher

    Claymuncher Member

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    Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.
     
  10. Snowjet

    Snowjet Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2010
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    197
    Southern Redneck, I believe from North Georgia, goes in the drug store and ask for 4 packs of rubbers. The clerk ask, do you need a bag. He's says no, she ain't that ugly. Bob
     
  11. Claymuncher

    Claymuncher Member

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    Little Johnny's Sister

    -----------------

    Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

    Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

    Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

    'No,' Sally replied, 'salty!'

    Mom fainted.
     
  12. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    3,651
    A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY



    A man and a woman who had never met before,
    but who were both married to other people,
    found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
    over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep
    quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the
    woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
    you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
    blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

    'I have a better idea,'
    she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're
    married'

    'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
    'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned
    blanket.'

    After a moment of silence, he farted.
     
  13. Claymuncher

    Claymuncher Member

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    837
    ^^^^^^^^

    Voted for the best one yet!!
     
  14. RWT

    RWT Well-Known Member

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    Messages:
    1,553
    God looks down in the garden and sees Adam talking to the animals.

    God says that boy need a companion, I'll make him one

    When he finishes he calls Adam and tells him he has someting for him.It's funny, smart pretty a great conversationalist great in bed just the perfect companion.

    Adam says great but whats it going to cost me.
    God says just an arm and a leg.
    Adam says thats pretty expensive. What can I get for a rib.
     
  15. Dougbbbb

    Dougbbbb TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    1,059
    Location:
    NJ
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


    A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

    I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
     
  16. moowho

    moowho Member

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    Location:
    Wisconsin
    2011 FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE
    Three good ole boys died and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
    In honor of this holy season' St, Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.
    The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on 'it represents a candle',he said
    'You may pass through the pearly gates, St. Peter said.
    The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said they're bells. St.Peter said,'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
    The old Nebraska farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
    St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'and just what do those symbolize?' The husker replied,' These are Carols.'
    AND SO THE CHRISTMAS SEASON BEGINS...
     
  17. BIG JIM IN BAKERSFIELD

    BIG JIM IN BAKERSFIELD TS Member

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    There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama Bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.
    Yesterday, they both registered as Democrats in Chicago...
     
  18. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Location:
    West Central Florida
    Not a joke but funny. Jazz for cows.


    <object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/lXKDu6cdXLI?version=3&feature=player_embedded"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/lXKDu6cdXLI?version=3&feature=player_embedded" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="360"></object>
     
  19. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Wauwatosa Wisconsin
    True story!
    Five of us guys from work went to a bar and grill for lunch one day. About 50 feet from where we were seated there was a huge winding bar. One of the guys seated at our table often thought of himself as a ladies man.

    Suddenly, while we are all looking at our menues, he states that a beautiful blond seated at the far end of the bar has been staring at him. He decides to stand up and walk over to her and offer to buy her a drink.

    He walks over to her and returns shortly all red faced. One of the guys asked him what happened, did she turn you down? He sheppishly says the gal that was staring at him was a manikin seated at the bar.
    Steve
     
  20. Recoil Sissy

    Recoil Sissy Well-Known Member

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    2,645
    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she gathered a 1/2 gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a two pound can of coffee and a pound of bacon.

    As she was unloading the cart, a drunk watched from behind. As the cashier ran up the purchase, the drunk calmly commented, "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by the statement but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was in fact, single.

    The lady looked at the six items she had put on the belt and saw nothing that would have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, " Well, you're absolutely correct but how did you know"?

    The drunk replied, 'Because you're really ugly".
     
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