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o/t You are not human

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by Brian in Oregon, Sep 15, 2007.

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  1. Brian in Oregon

    Brian in Oregon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    25,238
    Location:
    Deplorable Bitter Clinger in Liberal La La Land
    Feminazi humor.
     
  2. Jim101

    Jim101 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    1,942
    Location:
    Knob Noster, Mo
    No doubt written by some loony man hating feminist.








    Jim
     
  3. smokerz

    smokerz TS Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2007
    Messages:
    473
    I thought it was funny.
     
  4. Ali

    Ali TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    59
    Oh jeez. Those were funny! Come on! Lighten up! If we can laugh at blonde/woman jokes, you guys can crack a smile!!

    http://www.anvari.org/db/fun/Gender/Men_At_Work.jpg
     
  5. ThorsDad

    ThorsDad TS Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2006
    Messages:
    107
    Jim101, prince of darkness, and Brian in Oregon, this is from Thor's Mom! You must be pretty insecure to not laugh at these jokes. I agree with ali, lighten up.
     
  6. Ali

    Ali TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    59
    It's funny how when they make jokes about women, they are funny. But if a woman makes a joke about a man shes a "Feminazi," "just another sexually oppressed bull dike blowing steam," or "some loony man hating feminist."

    But let's keep the laughing mood going...

    Is a Computer Male or Female?

    Reasons computers must be male

    1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

    2. A better model is always just around the corner.

    3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

    4. It is always necessary to have a backup.

    5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

    6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

    7. The lights are on but nobody's home.

    The top six reasons computers must be female:

    6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

    5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

    4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

    3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

    "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

    AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

    As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

    *******

    Dating hints for gentlemen

    There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

    1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

    2. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

    3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.

    4. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

    5. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

    6. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

    *****

    Reason's why it's great to be a woman

    Free drinks.

    Free dinners.

    Free movies.

    Speeding ticket? What's that?

    New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

    If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

    If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

    You can sleep your way to the top.

    You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

    It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

    No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

    Brad Pitt.

    No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

    Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

    If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

    If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

    You have the ability to dress yourself.

    If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

    You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

    You can quickly end any fight by crying.

    Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

    There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

    You've never had a goatee.

    You'll never regret piercing your ears.

    You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

    You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

    ******

    Ad seen in the New York Times...

    FOR SALE BY OWNER
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

    $1,000.00 or best offer.

    No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

    ****

    OH Please tell me SOMEONE laughed?
     
  7. likes-to-shoot

    likes-to-shoot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2006
    Messages:
    6,087
    Location:
    Iowa
    Ali....I laughed. LOL Whats funnier yet is see how the rest of them just got quiet and are afraid to say anything now. LOL Hell has no fury like a woman's scorn. LOL Just joking!!

    Bill
     
  8. Ali

    Ali TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    59
    SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

    In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.

    The following courses will be offered:

    General Education:

    GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

    GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")

    GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

    GE104: How to Parallel Park

    GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

    GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

    GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

    Home Economics:

    HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

    HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

    HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

    HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

    HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

    HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

    Interpersonal Relationships:

    IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation

    IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

    IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

    IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

    IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")

    IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")

    *****
    EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY


    Day 180

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!


    Day 181

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

    Day 182

    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

    1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

    5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

    5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!


    EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

    DAY 752

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
    dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
    while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
    that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
    satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
    furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.


    DAY 761

    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
    their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
    must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt
    to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
    again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...
    must try this on their bed.


    DAY 765

    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in
    attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
    to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
    and condescend ed about what a good little cat I was.
    Hmmm..... Not working according to plan.


    DAY 768

    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
    reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however
    it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What
    sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
    is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.


    DAY 771

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
    placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
    hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes
    they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
    confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn
    what this is and how to use it to my advantage.


    DAY 774

    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
    snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
    happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
    other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
    regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
    his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
    But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
     
  9. Hipshot 3

    Hipshot 3 TS Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2007
    Messages:
    1,796
    For shame, for shame, for shame.......You need to...er.....er....Go to church! Yeah, that's it....you need to go to church!
     
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