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O/T Life as it really is. Humor

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Shooting Jack, Jun 27, 2011.

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  1. Shooting Jack

    Shooting Jack Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2006
    Messages:
    3,523
    Location:
    Blackshear, Georgia
    Number 10
    Life is sexually transmitted.


    Number 9
    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



    Number 8
    Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .



    Number 7
    Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.



    Number 6
    Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.


    Number 5
    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.



    Number 4
    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



    Number 3
    Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?



    Number 2
    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



    And The Number 1 Thought
    Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your as- tomorrow.





    - - - and as someone recently said to me:
    "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
     
  2. bigunn

    bigunn TS Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    185
    All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

    to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

    who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



    The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

    good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

    claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

    and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

    into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

    balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

    rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

    fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

    broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

    found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

    balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

    point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

    died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



    The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

    roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

    over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

    balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

    on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

    some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

    chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

    and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle

    as he directs the man to the next room.


    He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

    apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

    the fellow in here just before you."



    "I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'

    in this cedar chest....."
     
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