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O/T A LITTLE HUMOR FOR TODAY O/T

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by gusto777, Sep 21, 2010.

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  1. gusto777

    gusto777 Member

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    The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage!

    At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

    At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these
    years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

    The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

    Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
     
  2. pyrdek

    pyrdek Well-Known Member

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    Giuseppe was taking his new bride home from the church where they were just married. Since it was an old fashioned wedding, it followed the traditions where the newly wed couple went to their home for their first night as husband and wife by using a small donkey cart.

    Along the way, the donkey, as donkeys sometimes do, got stubborn and just plain stopped right in the middle of the road. Giuseppe got out of the cart, walked in front of the donkey, leaned over and whispered something into the donkey's ear. He then got back in the cart and the donkey started right up pulling the newly weds home. The bride asked her husband "What was it you whispered in the donkey's ear that made him so willing to do what you asked?"

    Giuseppe told his wife, "All I said was 'That's a one." They went along for awhile but then the donkey stopped again. Giuseppe got out of the cart, whispered in the donkey's ear again, got back in the cart and they continued on their way.

    Just a short distance from their home, the donkey stopped again. Giuseppe got out of the cart, walked to the back of the cart and uncovered and pulled out a shotgun. He then went to the front of the cart, pointed the shotgun at the donkey's head and blew his head clean off!

    The wife was shocked and started to speak. "Why did you do that? You are so mean and cruel, you are a barbarian and a despicable human being." She was about to continue when Giuseppe reached over and whispered in her ear, "That's a one!"
     
  3. recurvyarcher

    recurvyarcher Well-Known Member

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    Guiseppe stopped at the bar with 2 other guys. Th two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while Guiseppe remains quiet.

    After a while one of the first two turns to the Guiseppe and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

    Guissepe says, "I'lla tell you. Justa de other nighta my wife came to me onna her hands anna her kneese."

    The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

    Guiseppe took a sip of his martini, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get outta from under da bed anna fight like a man."
     
  4. mette56

    mette56 Well-Known Member

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    Devi,

    Didn't know you spoke fluent Italian??? Good job girl!!!

    miltie
     
  5. H82MIS

    H82MIS TS Member

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    What do ya say about an Italian with one arm?????





    He's got a speech impediment,,,,,,,,,
     
  6. H82MIS

    H82MIS TS Member

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    That was for you Milt,,,


    Why are so many Italians named Tony??????????


    When they ship then out to come over here they stamp their forehead

    T-O-N-Y,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


    To New York,,,,,,,,,,
     
  7. mette56

    mette56 Well-Known Member

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    Jim, a little education for you:

    An American meets Giuseppe as Giuseppe immagrates to America. They are standing at NY Harbour watching the big beautiful ships arrive from Europe. One has USS painted on its side. Giuseppe says Hey whatsa dat USS-ah mean..huh? The American says that's an American ship and that means UNITED STATES SHIP. Next boat comes by with HMS. Giuseppe says Whatsa dat ah mean? American says that boat's from England and that means Her Majesty's Ship. Next ship comes by with DMB painted on its side. Giuseppe says HEY, I no dat ah won...it's froma Italy and DMB meansa Datsa My Boat.

    So now you know everything.

    Best regards to you Jim!

    miltie
     
  8. H82MIS

    H82MIS TS Member

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    good one,,,,,,,
     
  9. recurvyarcher

    recurvyarcher Well-Known Member

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    One daya I go to New Jersey and stay inna bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast, I tella da waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet, I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss onna plate, you sonna ma beach. I don’t even know lady, an she calla me sonna ma beach!

    Then, I go to pharmacia with a cougha. Da man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! fa cough ! I say, ‘fa cough’ —- I don’t even know da man ana he tella me FA COUGH! - Later I go to eat soma lunch at Ricky’s Place, da waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock, She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wana fock onna da table. She say you betta not fock onna da table you sonna ma beach - I not even know lady, ana she call me sonna ma beach. So, I go back to my hotel roon, an there’s no sheet onna my bed. I calla da manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tell me to go to toilet. So, I say you no understand, I wanna sheet onna da bed. He say you betta not sheet onna da bed you sonna ma beach. I don’t even know man ana he call me sonna ma beach—

    I go to check outta da hotel and man atta desk he say peace to you. I say, ‘Peace on you too, you sonna ma beach!’

    I go back to Italy!!!!!!!!
     
  10. Shooting Jack

    Shooting Jack Active Member

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    That was a good one Devi. Jackie B.
     
  11. mette56

    mette56 Well-Known Member

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    Louigi and his family save their money for years to help him realize his dream to someday go to America. The day finally comes and the family sees him off the dock and waves goodbye and to wish him good luck on his journey. One week later Louigi shows up back at home and his family is astonished. Louigi, whatah happen. You go to America to full-a fill you a dream and now you a backa home in Italy. Louigi said Ima sorry but I no like America. I arrive in a New Yorka and catch a train to California. Alonga de way I eat a dinner and ask de waiter, a beautiful young Americana girl, for a fok ona my table. Shea slapa me anda say you no cana fork ona de table wid a me or anyona else. Then I aska de conducter for a sheeta on my bed. He said You noa sheet ona you bed! Usea de toilet. I no wanna sleep ina toilet so I geta really upaset when a pretty girl namea Virginia comesa up toa me and says, Letsa goa back to the rear car to be alone...I likea you. So I go backa to the cluba car wida her and we sita down anda soon start to makea out. I lika Virginia really good. Pretty soon, I starta takea her clothes off and she really likea dat. Just as I starta to get someawhere, I looka out the train window anda see a sign ona de side of the train traks anda it say...Nofoka Virginia...50 miles. I go back to Italy!
     
  12. straightaway

    straightaway TS Member

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    An Italian man comes to America, works very hard to become succesful and becomes quite wealthy.

    He sends for his eldery father and tells him "Poppa, I takea you to anywhere you wanna to go." His father says " I wanna go to the base a balla game"

    The good son takes him to the ball park, it just happens to be old timers day. First up is Sandy Kofax, he hammers the first pitch he sees. The old man jumps up shouting "runna Sandy runna!!" The next batter is none other than the say hey kid. He stands in and watchs the first pitch go by, the old man shouts "hitta da ball Willie! Hitta da ball!" Willie drives one deep into left center, the old man is on his feet "runna Willie runna!!

    Now, Ted Williams strides to the plate, Ball One cries the umpire, Ball Two cries the umpire. The old man is "screaming Hitta da ball Ted hitta da ball!!"
    Ball Three and the old man nearly faints out of breath. BALL FOUR is the call, Ted lays down his bat and starts to calmy walk to first.

    The old man is climbing the rail "RUNNA TED RUNNA!!!!" The good son says "Poppa, you no understand Ted has four balls he gets to walk"

    The old man thinks about that for a moment then hollers out "Walka proud Ted, Walka proud"
     
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