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Need Jokes for Men's Club meeting

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Argentina, Jan 14, 2009.

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  1. Argentina

    Argentina TS Member

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    I need your help.



    Here in our local town (approx. 400 people) we have a Men's Club meeting once a month. It's a chance to get out of the house, eat a good steak and drink a few while getting caught up on the local happenings.



    We also support the local community through our dues and work projects for the elderly of the area. We take care of our own.



    At the end of every meeting we all tell jokes. This is the best part of the evening.



    I need some jokes !! Post some good ones if you got them !!



    Juston
     
  2. k1200ltc509

    k1200ltc509 Member

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    amazingjokes.com RG
     
  3. Hydra

    Hydra TS Member

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    A 90 year old man went into the sperm bank and wanted to make a deposit. The nurse looked at him and said I will be back in a min. She then went to the doc and told him what she had. Well give him the jar and send him in the room. She did as she was told. 15 min went by then 30 then 45 and then an hour. She is nor concern that he might have had a heart attack. She again went to the doc and told him that the old man had not come out after an hour. He then to got concern and knocked on the door. The doc then heard Come in. He entered the room and saw the old man sitting in the chair with his legs crossed and smoking a cig. He then noticed the jar was under the chair empty. Are you alright sir? He said yes I am. OK is there a problem? Yes there is? I tried it with my right hand, I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with both hands. I can't that damn top of the jar.
     
  4. Gold E

    Gold E TS Member

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    Sep 22, 2006
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    A duck walks in to a bar; bartender says: “Can I help you?”

    Duck says: “Got any grapes?”

    “Nah…we got beer and booze…no grapes.”

    The next day the same duck walks back in. “Got any grapes?”

    “NO we don’t have any grapes! This is a bar.”

    Next day, same duck walks back in; “Got any grapes?”

    “Look here, you stupid duck, WE-DON’T-HAVE-ANY-GRAPES! This is a bar, not a “grape-store”. If you come back here again asking for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!”

    Next day; duck walks back in. “Got a hammer?”

    Bartender gets red in the face and yells: “NO we don’t have hammers; it’s a BAR! Now, order a drink or waddle your sorry ass out of here!

    “Got any grapes?”
     
  5. Hydra

    Hydra TS Member

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    A guy went hunting and while out in the woods he shot at a bear. He went down to where the bear was and did not see anything. He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around. There stood the bear. The bear said you tried to hurt me and now you have to choices. I kill you or have my way with you. Well the guy sure as hell was not going to let the bear have his way so he tried to fight the bear. The bear just thought that was funny so he picked the guy up threw him over a log and had his way and then walked off. The guy now is mad so he goes out and buys a machinegun. He goes back out to the woods and starts to look for that bear. He saw the bear and cuts loose shooting the area up. After he ran out of ammo he went down to look for the bear. No bear but a tap on the shoulder. He turned around and there stood the bear again. The bear said you again have two choices. The guy started to fight the bear and again the bear just picked him up and put him across another log and had his way and walked off laughing. OH that really pissed the guy off but good. He went back into town and got a flame thrower. He thought he saw the bear and cut loose with the flame thrower. He burned down a good part of the wood and started to look for the bear. As he was looking he felt a tap on his shoulder. He dropped his head and slowly turned around and sure enough it was that bear. He had one arm on the tree the other on his hip and a leg crossed over the other leg. He looked at the guy from the corner of his eyes and said "Boy your not in this for the hunt any more are you".
     
  6. Hydra

    Hydra TS Member

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    I guy was in Mex and stopped by a cantena to have a drink. As he was having his drink he looked around and saw a donkey standing in the corner with a sign above him. $10,000 to the person who can make him laugh. He looked at the bartender and asked if that was for real. He said yes it is but you can't touch the donkey. He agreed and went over to the donkey and whispered something in his ear. The donkey broke out laughing. The dartender then paid the man he finished his drink and left. 6 months later he was again in Mex and the same town and wanted a drink. He went back to the same cantena and ordered a drink. Again looked around and there stood that same donkey. It had a different sigh above its head. Make donkey cry. $10,000. He asked if it was for real and he said yes but you can not hurt the donkey. The guy said thats fine but I need to take the donkey to the back room. The bartender said that fine but again you can not hurt or touch the donkey. He said I will not do either. He took the donkey to the back room and 5 min's later the donkey comes out with tears just rolling down his face. The bartender paid the man and he finished his drink and started to leave. The dartender said sir. I just paid you a total of 20,000. I would like o know how you did it. Well the guy said the first time I told him that my privates were bigger then his. The bartender thought it over and said well I would have laugh at that to. The second time to get him to cry I proved it.
     
  7. Hydra

    Hydra TS Member

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    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
     
  8. Hydra

    Hydra TS Member

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    Your Honor.
     
  9. Country Squire

    Country Squire TS Member

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    I'm not scared of the devil. I was married to his sister. The only exercise my ex-wife got was flying off the handle and jumping to conclusions. my wife was a sex object every time I'd mention sex she'd object.My friend was so ugly when he was born the doctor slapped his mother.They had to tie a bone around his neck so the dog would play with him.
     
  10. KS-OKIE

    KS-OKIE TS Supporters TS Supporters

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Gladstone, Missouri
    My new urologist..As we age,we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.For example,my internist referred me to a female urologist.I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.She`s beautiful,great cans,long legs and unbelievably sexy.She told me that I have to stop masturbating.I asked her why and she said,"Because I`m trying to examine you...KS-OKIE.
     
  11. Border Bandit

    Border Bandit Well-Known Member

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    1,712
    Location:
    Fairfield PA
    This story occurred in the old West. The young cowboy decided it was time to have his first, um experience. He got cleaned up, put on his best outfit, had his meager life savings in his pocket, and headed to town. He first went to the saloon, got a shot of courage, then knocked on the door of the local brothel. "What do you want, kid", asked the madam. "I want a woman" came the reply. "Got any money?" and he pulled out his stash. "Got any experience?" was the next question. "No", he admitted, "that's why I'm here". "Well son" she said, "you go get some money, and some experience, then come back to see me". "How can I get any experience?", he asked. "There's a forest, out there and it's full of trees ....the trees have knot holes ... you figure it out", and slammed the door in his face.

    A year later he was back, dressed to the nines, and almost knocked the door off it's hinges when he pounded on it. "What?" she said, "you back ...well, what do you want now?" "Want a woman" was the reply. "Got any money?" and he held out a wad of dough big enough to choke a horse. "How about experience?" "I got plenty of experience" was the reply. Eying up the wad of cash she said, "You come with me, big boy".

    They got to her room and she turned around, starting to take off her things, and instructing him to do the same. She was almost done, and bending over to remove her stockings when: WHACK! he smacked her on her behind with his belt, buckle end first. She's jumping around, yammering, swearing, and shouting what the hell did he do that for?

    "Gotta check for Bees", came the reply.

    It's my all time best story ....mike
     
  12. Frank C

    Frank C Well-Known Member

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    The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
    > The girl said, 'NO!'
    > And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
    > and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
    > drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
    > farted whenever he wanted.
    >
    > THE END
     
  13. tallpaul

    tallpaul Member

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    Here's a riddle... At the exact same time, there are two 35-year old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is receiving oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing, which is what? "Don't look down."
     
  14. waterhouselake

    waterhouselake TS Member

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    291
    Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two
    'working girls' and
    take them to their separate hotel rooms.


    The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an
    erection. His depression
    is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
    hears his friend
    shouting cries of...
    'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH...Here I come
    again! ONE, TWO,
    THREE, UGH!'

    This went on all night
    long.

    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How
    did it go?'

    The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I couldn't
    get an erection.'

    The second dwarf shook his
    head.

    ''You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get
    on the bed
     
  15. donegal shooter

    donegal shooter Member

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    So we were traveling down a county in Ireland,heading toward Roscommon, when we came upon a young girl,no more than 6 or 7,leading a cow on a rope. I asked her where she was taking the cow and she replied"I'm taking her to spend the day with Foley's bull." I thought her a bit young for the task,so I asked her"Shouldn't your father be doing that?" She thought for a moment and said "No,Foley's bull is better!!"

    Slainte,
    Scott
     
  16. Browning Man

    Browning Man TS Member

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  17. Hydra

    Hydra TS Member

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    An old man was walking down a dirt road just after sunset. He then saw a young man walking toward him with a latern. when they met in the road the old man asked the young man what he was doing. I'm going courten. Boy when I was your age I did not need a latern. Yeah and look at what you got to.
     
  18. BPSR

    BPSR Member

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    71
    Man wakes up one morning sprouting some pretty hard morning wood. His son happens by the door to his bedroom, he yells for him to come here. The man gets a piece of paper out of the nightstand and writes a note, tells his son to give to his mom. The boy runs it down to mom, she reads it to herself:

    The tent poles up, the canvas is spread, to hell with breakfast come on back to bed.

    She giggles a little to herself, writes her own note, and sends the son back to his dad with her note:

    Take the tent pole down, put the canvas away, the monkeys had a hemorrhage, there will be no cirucs today.
     
  19. Shooting Jack

    Shooting Jack Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2006
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    3,523
    Location:
    Blackshear, Georgia
    Couple are traveling through some snowy weather headed home when the wife spies a little skunk on the side of the road and asks the husband to stop and pick it up so it won't freeze.

    Husband agrees and pull over, wife gets out and pick up the skunk and wifes asks what to do about warming the skunk up.

    Husbands suggest placing the skunk between her legs to warm it up.

    But the wife says but what about the smell?

    Husband says to just pinch the skunks nose.

    Husband is recuperating in the hospital from the skunk beating but the skunk didn't survive the beating.


    I know that I didn't tell it right and know I'm in trouble for telling it anyway. Jackie B.
     
  20. Customstox

    Customstox Member

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    Jan 29, 1998
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    165
    A well dressed black man with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. As he nears the bartender, the parrot orders, saying, I would like a beer for the young man carrying me and a scotch and soda for myself. The bar tender chuckles and says he has never seen anything like that. He gets the drinks and the man pays the tab. The parrot starts up a lengthy conversation with a person at the bar and the bartender smiles and asks, "That is very entertaining, where did you get him?" And the parrot replies, "I got him in Africa, there are millioins of them down there."
     
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