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Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by Dickgshot, Dec 4, 2007.

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  1. Dickgshot

    Dickgshot Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after

    eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went

    out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it

    very highly."

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the

    name of that flower you give to someone you love?

    You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the

    kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to

    last night?"
  2. Brian in Oregon

    Brian in Oregon Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Deplorable Bitter Clinger in Liberal La La Land
    My least favorite joke?

    Hillary Clinton
  3. hairy

    hairy TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998

    Ole had a traffic accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was
    questioning Ole with the intent of avoiding blame for his company. "Didn't
    you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

    Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my
    favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
    question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
    down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the
    fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
    Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
    accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell
    him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to
    the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,

    Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just
    loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down
    da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and
    smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie
    vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move.
    However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning.. I knew she was in
    terrible shape just by her groans".

    "Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could
    hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her". "After he looked
    at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right
    'tween da eyes.

    Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and
    said, 'How are you feeling?'"

    "Now vat the hell vould YOU say?"
  4. ricks1

    ricks1 TS Member

    May 7, 2007
    This blond got on a plane and sat down in first class. The stewardess told her her ticket was for econo class. She replied " I am blond and beautiful and iam going to Houston" The stewardess went to talk to the pilot. The copilot goes back and told the blond that she was in the wrong class and must move. Again the blond replied "I am blond and beautiful and going to Houston" Copilot goes back up front and tells the pilot they need to call security. Pilot says he will take care of her. He goes back and tells her she needs to move to the back. She again replies" I am blond beautiful and going to Houston". The pilot leans over and whispers in her ear.She gets up and says "Iam sorry'moves to back of plane. The stewardess and copilot asked what he said to get her to move? He replied " I told her that first class was not going to Houston"
  5. pdq

    pdq Member

    Aug 24, 2006
    A young man just out of college, unemployed, and living at home with his father decides to do something about his depression, feeling life was miserable despite the fact that he would someday inherit a great deal of money. So, that evening he goes to a bar and spots a drop dead gorgeous woman and says to her "I know I'm not much to look at, but someday I'll inherit $20 million".

    So, after a few drinks she agrees to go home with him. Three days later, she bacame his stepmother.
  6. hairy

    hairy TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Doctor's Orders

    Bill's friend, Harry, says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

    "Less? Never heard of it."

    "C'mon, sure you have!"

    "No, really. We don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

    "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
  7. Gold Medal

    Gold Medal Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    This guy had a very good-looking girlfriend name Lorraine. They had been dating for 6 months and were starting to get serious about their future together.

    One day he went to work to find a gorgeous new-hire who worked alongside him. She said her name was Clearly. They instantly were attracted to each other.

    Over the next few weeks he and Clearly formed a very close friendship. He was torn between wanting to date Clearly but he had a good relationship with Lorraine and didn`t want to break her heart for she had been loyal to him and no one else.

    On a nice day he and Lorraine were walking by the river bank when she slipped and fell into the water and drowned.


    He said I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone!
  8. Bubba

    Bubba Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Baton Rouge Louisiana
    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,

    "I've been expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

    "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

    "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."


    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
    Mrs. Smith fainted
  9. shooterguy

    shooterguy TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Two guys are sitting in a Urologists' office when one says to the other, " What are you here for?" The second guy says, " I'm here for a circumcision." The first guy says, " I had that when I was one day old. Didn't walk for a year."
  10. 1atatime

    1atatime TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    A guy goes into a pet store and notices an odd looking parrot. He sees the bird has no legs or feet, and muses, "That parrot has no legs or feet. I wonder how it got that way." The parrot responds, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." The man says, "So, you can talk, too?" The parrot says , "Yes. I'm fluent in 3 languages and can discuss just about any subject you'd like. Ask me any question". The mans says, "OK, if you're so smart, answer this: If you don't have any feet or legs, how do you stay on your perch?" "Well", says the parrot, "that's an embarrassing subject. But since you asked, I stick my wiener out and curl it around the perch like a hook. Then I brush my feathers down around it so no one sees it. You know, you should buy me. We could have a really good time together." "Yeah", the guy says, but the price tag is $3000 and I don't want to spend that much." The parrot says, "Offer the owner $20. He'll take it because I'm defective." So the guy buys the parrot for $20, takes him home, and for the next few weeks they have wonderful conversations. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst! Come 'ere." The guy walks over and asks what's up. The parrot says, "This morning the mailman came to the door. Your wife met him and she was wearing only this skimpy, see through black negligee. The mailman came in and they started kissing and hugging and all sorts of stuff. Then he tore off her negligee, pulled her onto the floor and they started kissing each other all over."What happened next", the guy said. "Damned if I know, said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
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