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Moving The Lawn

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Carl7650, Aug 20, 2009.

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  1. Carl7650

    Carl7650 TS Member

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    We have the standard 6-ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.


    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had; made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8-ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.


    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6-hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.


    It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.


    Now I'm standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.


    Time stood still.


    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.


    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-shit lawnmower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.


    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece-of-shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.


    This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.


    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!


    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.


    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.


    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.


    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.


    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:


    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.


    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).


    3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.


    4- My left eye will not open.


    5- My right eye will not close.


    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.


    7- My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.

    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).


    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.


    The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple-check before I ever mow the yard again.
     
  2. Em_One

    Em_One TS Member

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    And that is why a wise lineman once taught me you check to see if a wire is live before you grab it with THE BACK OF YOUR HAND...that way when it contracts, it does not wrap around the wire. Here endeth the lesson.
     
  3. crusha

    crusha TS Member

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    The TV part got me...
     
  4. Milkbone

    Milkbone TS Member

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    EE, I'm shocked that you didn't belive every word of this story- pun intended.
     
  5. crusha

    crusha TS Member

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    EE is like a conservative version of Neil.

    I can see him walking by a playground now..."Harry Potter isn't real, you know..."
     
  6. Barry C. Roach

    Barry C. Roach Well-Known Member

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    Comedy's tough.
     
  7. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

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    The only time EE laughs is when he takes a leak. He never saw anything so small. By the way, I liked the joke. BRGII
     
  8. Haskins Bill

    Haskins Bill TS Member

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    Brings back memories of a Boy Scout hike in the mid 1950's. We talked a kid into peeing on a farmer's electric fence. We told him we had to walk an extra mile on the hike because the farmer would not let us cross his pasture. He didn't keep his pee stream on the fence for very long that is for sure.PS this story is just as good as any Senior Smoke/Luther legend! Bill
     
  9. Old Confederate

    Old Confederate TS Member

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    Carl7650---- That was a good story. Thanks, Larry
     
  10. Carl7650

    Carl7650 TS Member

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    Your Welcome Guys

    I had this sent to me,,,and though you guys would get a good laugh out of it.

    Ya know,,,we all need a little sunshine now and then.
    Carl
     
  11. dverna

    dverna Active Member

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    If this does not make you laugh, you have serious problems.

    Don Verna
     
  12. Dahaub

    Dahaub Active Member

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    One of my friends watched a guy trying to break into his garage one night while he was up going to the bathroom. The guy couldn't get in and my buddy hot wired the door handle where the guy tried. The police were called and he went to work. His wife was home when the detective came and looked the place over he reached for the door handle and Linda tells him not to touch the door handle. He grabbed it anyway and the shock he got cost my buddy several hundred in lawyers fees keeping him out of trouble with the cops in Champaign. I'll bet you having an electric fense is not kosher with most city zoning laws. I think I'd check it out before I bought an electric fense and the wire to run it. Dan
     
  13. Bernie K

    Bernie K Member

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    You may have grounds for a suit. All the electric fence charges I have ever seen have an interupter on them to keep what happened to you from happening.
    I'd check the fence again to be sure, if it happens to you again you know you can really go after the ACME ELECTRIC FENCE CHARGER CO. I saw the same thing happen to the Willey Coyote. If my memory serves me right he wound up the same way you did. To be sure the thing is working properly hold the grounging rod with your left hand and the wire with your right this will take the lawn mower out of the picture as a possible cause. Hope this HELLLLLLLLLPS.
     
  14. sliverbulletexpress

    sliverbulletexpress TS Member

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    I fell in a pond one time gigging frogs at night and almost drowned. The worst part was after thrashing around and hollering for help cause I can't swim I reached for the closest thing to pull myself out by. It turned out to be fence wire hooked to one of those Acme heavy duty chargers meant to keep elephants penned up, grandpa bought it at a sale and thought it was a good one cause it had them skull and crossbones on it. I had some kind of traumatic bowel evacuation and ground some of my teeth down from my jaws locking up so hard. I'd have sworn my eyeballs swapped sockets too but Mom says I always looked like that. Thank goodness nothing happened to my private parts but I swear I wasn't circumsized before this happened. I ain't asking Mom bout that.

    Grandpa was really mad at me for a long time because I killed all the fish in the pond and the cows wouldn't drink out of that pond for a year. But that wasn't the worst of it, a transformer blew up down the line in front of the widder Smiths house and fell across her brand new Pacer, dang she was proud of that car. Funny thing is nothing would grow in her yard after that.
     
  15. kehrby

    kehrby Active Member

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    Now that was hilarious! Just enough truth in it to make me fall off my chair. I did get my foot wrapped around an electric fence once as a kid, tried to jump it and got my ankle wrapped in it. I can attest to your brain thumping for awhile when its finally over. I was stuck on that thing for what seemed like forever until I finally grabbed ahold of it and got it unwrapped from my ankle. I'm trying to shake it off my foot, not wanting to touch it, and suddenly it occurs to me that I,m getting shocked anyway!!! hahahahaha this brought back memories

    Steve
     
  16. bigbore613

    bigbore613 Active Member

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    Thanks for the laugh !!!!! Jeff
     
  17. Allen-MX8

    Allen-MX8 Member

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    What does all of this have to do with Trapshooting??
     
  18. Bob Schultz

    Bob Schultz Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

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    Allen ...absolutely nothing. Funny, never the less!

    I was about 12 years old when my Dad asked me if I would like a job cutting grass at his buddy's house ... on a riding lawn mower! Sure, just sit and mow and get paid. Now I'm a product of the post WWII suburbs and I knew nothing about cows, horses or electric fences.

    There I am in the seat (metal) of the Gravely mower happily cutting grass. When trying to avoid the flower garden I had to get real close to the fence which formed the corral(?) for the owners riding horses. I hit the wire fence with my backside and proceeded to mow a 36" swath right through the flower bed! Good thing the owner was a friend of my Dad's and he had a real good laugh at my misfortune.

    Just like the cow above I have been leery of fences ever since!

    Bob Schultz
     
  19. bigbore613

    bigbore613 Active Member

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    MX-8 , same as your comment . Jeff
     
  20. biff

    biff Active Member

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    When I was about 12 yrs old me and a couple of buddies went to a baptising one Sunday afternoon. There was a big crowd, so we decided to cross the creek and sit on the opposite bank and get a first row seat. When we got over there we discovered an electric fence wire and were scared until one of the boys said they turned it off because of the baptising, even had us touch it to be sure. We were sitting there watching the proceedings when I decided to lean forward and rest my chin on the wire at just about the time the preacher asked if anyone wanted to be saved. Someone must have turned the fence back on at that moment as I yelled or screamed into a seizure as I flopped into the water....the preacher dunked me under the water three times as he said I was talking in tongues. People who are still alive in that small community still talk about my baptism and exorcism to this day.....and I'm still a good boy! Biff
     
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