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MN DOG SQUAD SHOOTS THE SW GRAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by Pride Engineer, Apr 13, 2008.

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  1. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    Yes, dog lovers, it's time for the third annual Dog Squad gathering at San Antonio. It was here that the story of this pack of canines first begin. You may have forgotten the main story line that week was the rise of the Big Dog himself. This once pro football player, once WWF grappler, once successful porn star became the star of the SW Grand winning virtually every trophy in sight. Some said it was due to his keen eye sight, some say it was the steadyness of his bulk, others said it was his firm three point footing, we never did determine which of the three factors provided the winning combination, we just know it worked. He is here again to test the resolve of all competitors. He has however a new slimmed, sleek look. Yes, the Big Dog appears to now be a slimmed Big Dog. Will he soon become the Slim Dog? It's too early to tell. The Big Dog has, however, said his new body mass has not caused a reduction in that certain male part for which he is named. At least that is his story. We'll have to wait until his latest hot mate arrives to confirm the status of that certain male part.

    The Big Dogs little buddy and fellow iron range inbred is here also. Yes, the Piddler himself is here. Word is he is hungry and motivated. After suffering a serious beating in skeet and bunker trap from the Prez, the Piddler is ready to bark, or squat or maybe squirt. It appears the Piddler may have even gone over to the dark side as he has taken in a male room mate. Yes Dog lovers, the Piddler has the Sewer Dog bunking with him. The poor Sewer Pooch escaped Duluth, Mn during a snow storm with a full sack of Milk Bones. We aren't sure if it was the Milk Bones or Sewer Dogs physique that attracted the Piddler. Look for more coverage on this breaking news.

    Almost Hairless is here with Mrs. Almost. They were forced to drive their four wheeled doggy buggy as their new mobile dog kennel was late coming from the factory. Poor Almost Hairless is still barking about the missing mobile kennel. He will need to clear these negative vibes soon or his Dog Squad buddies will soon leave him retrieveless.

    The Schnauzer arrived today too. He drove up in his favorite doggy car, a Chev Monte Carlo, and immediately spent the next half hour on his cell phone. He said it was business but we all knew it was really Penny the Poodle calling to keep tabs on the Schnauzer. The Schnauzer barks loud but cools to a whimper at the sight or sound of the Poddle Dog.

    Last but not least is of course the Prez. Yes, the Chief Executive is here too. He's struggling a bit at the line though as the three days of fruitlessly trying to whip his young off spring in bunker trap has left him with a serious head off the stock problem. Will he recover to whip the rest of the Dogs, will the Piddler find away to balance late night entertainment with shooting, will the Slimmed Big Dog be able to recapture his former glory, will Almost Hairless or maybe the Schnauzer be the top dog this week? Stayed tuned as we will have the story here on Trapshooters.

    Your late night news reporter, Mark Zauhar with his Bulletzer Prize winning assistant Lindsay Zauhar
     
  2. JACK

    JACK Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

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    Good for you Lindsay! Kick some more humility in the old man's face. Pretty soon he'll be wanting to shoot a grown-up gun like you do. And take some pics of the "Dogs" off the leash an send them to me. I'll put thme up on the thread.
     
  3. ontariogal

    ontariogal Member

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    As I sit behind my desk this morning at the continental headquarters for The 2008 Canadian,I am envisioning all the great sites and sounds from the NSC - none the least, Mark, is your call and your legs!

    Have a fantastic shoot - it's killing me not to be there this year.

    b. (ps- check your private messages)
     
  4. ontariogal

    ontariogal Member

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    Mia - it understandable that you have confused Lindsay and Kelsey - they are both beautiful. However, Lindsay is Mark's babysitter on the trapshooting circuit - and with his antics, she hasn't got time to shoot for the Olympic team!

    Keep well Lindsay - look for that nesting bird we found on the hill behind Vendor's Row - see if she's back again! Big hug from canada, b.
     
  5. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    Nice to hear from you Barbara. Yes, both me and my babysitter Lindsay are here. She's not found the nesting bird yet but she has captured several toads that we have to feed about $10 worth of crickets every week!

    Kelsey is here in Texas too. She's living in Kerrville and working and shooting at the Hill Country Gun Club while she's waiting to start school this fall. She finished fourth in the Olympic Trap trials and hopes to win in 2012. I shot with her for three days and the only thing I managed to do was screw up my first weekend scores here at the SW Grand. I did manage a 19/25 in my last round. Kelesey never shot below 20 or 21. At least she didn't run a round against me, I think she was just being easy on me. I'm telling you, if you don't have a headlifting problem now, you'll have one after you shoot bunker!

    Hope all is going well for your Canadian shoot. See you at Michigan or the grand?

    Mark Z
     
  6. ontariogal

    ontariogal Member

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    Hoping to make the GLG Mark - and i will have a map and your personal invite to bring you over the border for The 2008 Canadian. Relax, it will be warm enuf in June for your shorts....mine too! (wait, that doesn't read right - oh hell, you know what i mean)

    Shoot great, have a blast in SA!
    b.
     
  7. sglfr45

    sglfr45 TS Member

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    Mark,

    Please email me. I have something I want to donate to the Minnesota State Shoot.

    Matt Woodson - Woodson Enterprises
     
  8. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    Well the first days results are in. And with a only a couple of exceptions, the dogs have little to howl about. The Prez had the best day, retrieving the high score on the squad for doubles, a blazing 92! He was better though in the singles where he had one of only two 100's in the event! Even better, he and the Piddler were in a carryover from Sundays preliminary singles and the poor Piddler could manage but 97. Needless to say, the Piddler was squeeling after his drubbing. He did recover enough to be high on the squad in the caps recording an 84!. He carefully kept his bark low though as even he knew not to crow about an 84! Something seems to be wrong with the targets here. Apparently they have tested them and found them too hard to break. Word is WhiteFlyer has a new truck load arriving before tomorrows events to replace the targets on hand. The targets were good today in very little wind yet the scores were low. When Ray Stafford can only retrieve 82, something is wrong.

    But enough of the shoot reporting, this reporter knows the Dog Squad fans want to hear the real stories from behind the scenes. As usual, the Dogs once again have much to report. At the top of the list is our hero, the Big Dog, who as reported yesterday is fast becoming Slim Dog. He has lost so much weight, even the scorers can now see around him. In the past, he cast enough shade for the entire squad. Today, even the smallest scorer was left in the direct sun. The question now is will the Big Dogs taste in the fairer sex change? Will he now consider bitches with less then 150 pounders? The weight loss has, however, not changed his disgusting habit of marking the trap houses and the scorers chair. I guess old habits never die! Rumor has it that tomorrow the Dogs number one squeeze arrives for the week. We can only hope the presence of this female type will have a calming effect on the Dog. So far The Dog has only been able to shoot well in the double retrieves. We believe this can be explained by the Big Dogs belief that retrieving doubles can best be described as kissing teets, smooch smooch! Maybe the mere presence of his main squeeze will rejuvenate the Dogs retrieving skills in the caps and singles. Time will tell.

    Reporting from San Antonio, Mark Zauhar, lead reporter for the Dog Tales, with my able assistant, Lindsay Zauhar
     
  9. JACK

    JACK Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

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    bump for a cause
     
  10. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    Good evening Dog Fans, the days scores weren't exactly great today. There were but two hundreds in the singles, the high caps score was 96, and the doubles topped in at I think 97. The Dogs weren't able to match any of those. In the singles, Almost Hairless found 98, the Piddler recovered 97, the Prez kept his record of not shooting a 96 by dropping a late one for a 95. The Schnauzer and the Big Dog were safely below that. In the caps, The Big Dog apparently shook off the thoughts of his main squeezes impending arrival by retrieving 92. All the other Dogs were in the 80's with the Piddler saving the Prez from an embarassing last place finish by dropping a late one for an 86. The Prez regrouped a bit to find 94 in the doubles, the Piddler, Schnauzer and Almost Hairless were all in the lower 90's with the Schnauzer capturing the Class C championship for the second straight day. I know, what's a Dog Squad shooter doing in Class C? Ever heard of a Schnauzer with sand in his doggy dish? You have now. What did the Big Dog find in the doubles you ask? Well get this, The Big Dog, all 427 pounds, and 11.50 inches of him, (remember, they don't call him the Big Dog cause he's tall) had to miss the doubles to go pick up his main squeeze at the airport. PW? Maybe, we'll have to evaluate this as the week progresses.

    The subplots of this Dog Pack just keep getting more interesting. As the Big Dog is picking up his Squeeze in the evening, the Piddler is dropping his new boy friend, Sewer Dog off at the airport the next morning so his female squeeze can hole up with him that evening. Now is this smart thinking by the Piddler? Likely not but you know, they don't call him the Piddler cause he's smart!

    Meanwhile, the Prez appears to be on the verge of a breakdown. He now has a deer hunting hut parked next to his motor home. When asked what he's going to do with it he claims he plans to haul it home and use it on his hunting property. We, however, have overheard him negotiating with one of the grounds keepers. He seems to think he will be able to place it at the five yard line and shoot his scores undercover from now on!! Poor Prez, apparently this is what 10 rounds of bunker trap does to you.

    So what will happen at the field trial tomorrow? Will the Dog even show after a night of howling, or whatever Big Dogs do? Will the Prez really shoot from a hunting hut? Will the Piddler recover from his nights with the Sewer Dog? And what about the Schnauzer? Will his streak of sand bag doubles victories continue? Will Almost Hairless continue his singles improvement and retrieve like he has in the past? Check here for the details tomorrow night.

    Your Dog Squad Scribe, reporting live from sunny San Antonio, Mark Zauhar and his capable side scribe, Lindsay Zauhar
     
  11. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    Well, it's Wednesday and another full day of Dog shots are in the books. The squad first tried the 100 single retrieves and only Almost Hairless was able to record a decent score retrieving 99. The Big Dog some how gathered up enough energy to find 98. The Piddler and the poor Prez could only garner 97 and the Schnauzer was last, some what below 96. In the caps, the Prez finally seemed to wake up, finding the first 49 before dropping off some to finish with a 95. Once again he was just behind the leaders and out of the trophy hunt. The Big Dog was next, at 93. The Schnauzer and Almost Hairless stayed in the low 90's but the Piddler once again proved the caps aren't his best hunt dropping clear to 82. The doubles were interesting again today in a stiff wind. The Prez continued his revival by locating 98. The Piddler proved he can really retrieve from up close with a 97. Poor Almost Hairless started with the first 50, matching the Prez, but slipped badly to finish at 94. The Dog was in the low 90's but the real doubles story was the Schnauzer. He again, for the third day in a row, claimed the highest retrieving score in the Class C grouping. Now, how can anyone win the same class three days in a row? Well it's easy, you must understand that the Schnauzer really isn't pure Schnauzer blood. You see, he was concieved in a dog pound in Sandsack, Kentucky while his sire was passing through town. Clearly, the Sandbagging Schnauzer is of Kentucky origin. Turns out, his 92 would have won Class B also so it's likely we can chalk up a fourth trophy for this bagger even if he suffers a sandbaggers greatest indignity, a class advancement!

    The most interesting side story of the day had to be the poor Big Dog. Remember, the Big Dog's number one squeeze showed up last night. We expected the Dog to be a bit used up but what showed up to retrieve today was a sight to behold. Eyes sunk way back in his head, his body drained of vital fluids, the poor pooch was but a wisp of his former self. It was shocking indeed. Here was a former four time Johnson award winner from the porn film industry, star of 724 feature porn films, weakened by just one night of doggy play. This squeeze must be a healthy pooch indeed.

    The question for tomorrow has to be what will happen to the Piddler? Tonight, his main squeeze arrives!! Now, the Big Dog barely survived his run last night, and he started the night with some healthy reserves. The Piddler, remember, has been bunking with the Sewer Dog and is weakened already. To make matters worse, he was not blessed with, shall we say, Big Dog type equipment. His only hope could well be to utilize both of his allowable failure to fires tonight.

    Tomorrow is another day and it should be interesting. Will the Big Dog use tonight to rest and rehabilitate or will he try to live up to his reputation of yesteryear? Will the Piddler arrive to the field trial in the same weakened condition as did the Big Dog today? Will Sandy Schnauzer continue his run of double retrieve wins? Will the Prez's revival prove to be fleeting or will he repeat? Will Almost Hairless find a way to break into the trophy list? Check tomorrow for the full report.

    Mark Zauhar, 2007 ATA Dog Squad reporter of the year, and his trusty side kick, Lindsay Zauhar
     
  12. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    Another day is in the books and once again the Dog Squad collected hardware. In the single retrieves, the Piddler and the Prez both waited until late in their last trap before letting a bird escape for 99's. It was too bad as it was a bit windy and there were less then ten 100's for the day. Our pooches screwed up there. The Big Dog recovered from his first night with the squeeze and found another 98. He did however show signs of another tough night. More on that later. Almost Hairless could only return 97 and the Schnauzer was somewhere south of that. In the Caps, Almost Hairless led the pack with a 96 and collected the runnerup long yardage trophy in the shootoff. The Schnauzer and the Prez tied at 91 and the Big Dog and the Piddler were both in the 80's with the Piddler nursing hind tit if you know what I mean. In the doubles, the Piddler got some revenge with a 96 to lead the squad, the Prez was next with 94 and Almost Hairless and the Schnauzer were in the low 90's with the world's greatest sandbagger, Sandy Schnauzer, tying for Class C runner up. We told him if he won Class C four days in a row he was going to have to strip down to the pink panties his wife makes him wear when he goes out of town alone and sing from the bar top at the evening dinner dish. It appears this threat was enough to cause the Schnauzer to invoke sandbagger rule number one and hold back a bit.

    I feel I must point out that all dogs but the world famous Big Dog, holder of four Johnson awards from the porn film industry, was the lone dog to have no trophies thus far. But that's if you don't count the 11.5 inch, no it's not what you think, scar on his right ear and neck. It appears that in the deep heat of passion, the Big Dogs squeeze may have inflicted the wound. We weren't able to discern all of the Dogs comments regarding this obvious gash, but we believe it may have resulted from an excessively tight hand hold during a particular foreplay procedure. We'll let your imagination fill in the blanks as this is a family rated report.

    Now on to the Piddler. You may remember he had his squeeze, Pam the Pooch show last night from Dulute, Mn. Pam arrived in the neck of time to "right the ship" so to speak. It seems the Piddlers recent fling with the Sewer Dog may not have been his first experience with such shenanigans. Rumor has it that one has to be careful when putting out the anchor while sailing with the Piddler on his fishing boat. Now they say you can't fix them but we'er betting Pam the pooch will suceed where too many men have gone before.

    Now it wasn't just the Piddler and the Big Dog who had their squeezes arrive. You see the Prez's Vice-Prez showed up also. Now in the past, rumor has it that the Prez's young pup, Lindsay, may have noticed the Prevost rocking a bit during the late evening hours. We as yet, have been unable to confirm if this mysterious rocking ocurred again last night. We did observe the Prez to be a bit more subdued today however.

    Tomorrow the dogs will again face the triple retrieves. Will the Big Dog shake off his injury and win his first trophy? Will the Piddler, recovered from his days with the Sewer Dog, again find the winners circle? Will Almost Hairless find a second trophy in the field? Will the Prez find a way to tie the Schnauzer as a triple winner? Will the Schnauzer win his carry over and continue his shameful sandbagging? Tune in tomorrow for the report.

    Mark Zauhar, your Texas Longhorn reporter.
     
  13. dward

    dward Member

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    Z - The reports seem to be better this year.......you got the Lit writing these things for you now?? Good job to whomever!! - and I'm waiting to see some of that old handicap "shine" like you had last year!! Big Dan
     
  14. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    We have much to discuss as two full days of Doggy Activities have transpired since our last report. It seems that the large number of hits on this thread must have overloaded the TS circuits and access to the site was blocked last night. Yesterdays results were impressive by our pups. The Piddler and the Prez both found the hundred singles. Almost Hairless was next at 99 and the the Big Dog trailed close behind with a high mid-nineties. The poor Schnauzer was lost a field though with an 87. In the caps, only Almost Hairless could break the 90's and the rest were in the 80's with the Prez highest at 89. In the double retrieves, the dogs rose to the occasion. The Prez led the way with a 99, next was the Schnauzer at 97, the Piddler with a 96 and the other two were in the low nineties.

    In todays championship single retrieves, the Big Dog, our hero, was high with a 198, one off the Class AA shootoffs. The Prez was next at 197, the Piddler at 195, Almost Hairless at 194, and the Schnauzer was in the 180's. Fortunately for the dogs, the activities in these two days events resulted in some hardware. The Prez captured the Class AAA runnerup trophy in singles. And the Schnauzer again captured the Class C doubles Championship, more on this fifth Class C doubles trophy in five events by our dog, the Schnauzer.

    There were again some interesting side lights in the days events. Our resident squirter, the Piddler, lived up to his namesake once again. During our singles event, he had to run to the studs relief area to relieve hinself. Yes, the poor guy is only 50 human years but is already apparently afflicted with the dribbles. His main squeeze, Pam the Pooch, has pledged to fix the problem though by outfitting our Piddler with Depends.

    Speaking of Pam the Pooch, we learned some interesting facts about her tonight while sittting around our dog dishes. It seems she met our Piddler while she was apparently dancing on a table top at a Dulute, Mn watering hole. Now there is a difference in the stories being told about this sordid encounter. One side says it was a totally innocent activity that would embarrass no one. The other side says it involved some bra swinging and pole climbing. We hope to learn more about this affair as Senator Hillary Clinton, a former owner of our dog the Piddler, has launched a congressional investigation into the matter. Considering her past experience at uncovering the facts about such things, rest assured we will know the answer soon.

    The Big Dog never ceases to amaze us. After suffering through three nights of what some call playful activities with his main squeeze, he was able to garner enough strength to persevere in todays singles. Yes, here was a Dog who was physically drained of vital body fluids, his eyes were sunk back in his head, he suffered a serious gash on his neck, and even his squeeze mentioned he was a bit listless the last morning after his birthday celebration. But there he was, competing in the field and leading the dogs in the days 200 single retrieves. This is what legends are written about. It is clearly this stamina that drove the Dog to his record 724 porn features, all in just fourteen months!

    Lastly, we must now put the rumors of sandbagging by our dog the Schnauzer to rest once and for all. No, the fact that he has been classified in Class C instead of A where he belongs is not proof of sandbagging. The fact that he has won every doubles retrieve event but one and in that one, he finished second is not proof of sandbagging. And no, the fact that he won his last doubles retrieve by one target again, the fourth time it's happened, is not proof. What is proof though is the fact that careful research has revealed his place of birth was Silica, Kentucky. Now that is proof!!!!!

    Reporting live from sunny San Antonio, Mark Zauhar, nominee for this years Putzer Prize.
     
  15. Phil Kiner

    Phil Kiner Well-Known Member

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    Hey Prez- after the lock-down of ts.com due to your overloading the circuits Terry at Trap and Field approached me and wanted to know if I would give up my monthly slot in the magazine to you.

    I am heart-broken- giving my all to the education of shooters and finding out that they are nothing but a bunch of perverts that would rather read about a "rung out" porn star than 7 1/2 vs 8's.

    I hope Sandy does not edit you as much as she does me- enough for now I am slinking to the back corner of the dog house so I can lick my ------ er a wounds. pk
     
  16. JACK

    JACK Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

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    Phil Kiner... Our kind of guy.
     
  17. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    Yes, Trap and Field would jump at the chance to have a regular Dog Squad column. Just think, T&F's subscription rate would likely jump, there would be photo opportunities for the Big Dog. Of course some of the photos would have to be done side ways to accomodate the Big Dogs horizontal dimensions. The entire squad would have to hold autograph sessions at every shoot. Undoubtedly the squad would all soon be shooting brand new Krieghoff's, just like Phil Kiner does, letting their brand new factory Remingtons fall to the ground, just like Phil does. And yes, the number of groupies following the Dog Squad would grow to uncontrollable extremes. Think of it, our leader, the Big Dog, might be so impressed, he may unretire and return to his porn career. With the groupies being so numerous, he may be able to increase his record number of feature porn films and again prevail with his fifth Johnson award at the next porn film awards banquet. I could see it now, each month Trap & Field could do a centerfold with the Big Dog and his groupie of the month. It might take three pages but think of it!! We would have the Big Dog with his groupie of the month, all 757 pounds of them. We also would have the Piddler in his Depends, still trying to find a dead handicap target. We would have Almost Hairless, still trying to explain why he either shoots 100's or 92's in the singles. Then of course we would have the Schnauzer, fresh from his five Class C trophy wins at the Southwest Grand, trying to explain to the central handicap committee how he was ever classified as a "C" in the first place. Lastly, you would have the poor Prez, the guy who must clean up and somehow record the antics of this collection of retrievers. Yes, it would be something to see this group regularily in Trap and Field. Now all we have to do his get Hugh Hefner to read Trap Shooters, the Dogs will finally get their due!!!

    Mark Zauhar, Playboy writer of the year and official pinup selector for the Dog Squad.
     
  18. Pride Engineer

    Pride Engineer Member

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    With contract negotiations proceeding well with myself, Playboy, and Trap and Field, I have found time to update the Dog Squads report from San Antonio.

    The last day was uneventful for the Dogs. Was it last day blues, being worn out from the presence of the female retievers or was it the possibility of further stardom with the PlayBoy and Trap and Field exposure, we can't tell? The dogs were definately playing with less then full scenting capability on Sunday. The Piddler and the Prez tied in the double retrieves with 95's. The rest of the group was in the low 90's. In the caps, Almost Hairless led the way with 90, the Prez recorded an 88 matching the Schnauzer, the Big Dog found 87, and the poor Piddler once again had trouble scenting the cap birds mustering only an 86.

    The final trophy count found the Schnauzer sandbagging his way to five doubles victories. The Prez found three single trophies, the Piddler captured two trophies, and Almost Hairless rounded up one. Now you might ask, What about the Big Dog, hero of the 2006 games at San Antonio, the winner of four Porno Industry Johnson awards, the Dog with all, and we mean all, the equipment? Sad to say the Big Dog was the big failure at San Antonio. Oh, he managed to seek out a couple of top retrieving scores for the squad in a few obscure events, but he was unable to bring home any brass. Naturally, the many Dog Squad fans are wondering what may have caused this poor showing by our leader the Big Dog?
    Was it the arrival of his squeeze and their obvious sexual escapades, likely to be chroniciled on the Playboy Channel or at a theatre near you. Could it be these activities left our hero too tired to rise to the occasion? Or could it be that maybe he was still suffering the after affects of rising to the occasion once too often. It did seem at times it may have been the eyestrain caused by a lack of enough skin left to blink his eyes. We aren't sure what caused the collapse of the Big Dog but collapse he did.

    Of course the collapse did not diminish the enthuasiasm of the many Big Dog groupies present. The poor Dog lost most of his equipment (as in trap shooting equipment) upon completing his final round. The women decided they wanted something to remember him by I guess. The Dog enjoyed this surge of fan adornation. He sat back after they were through picking him clean, with that same twisted smile he gets after acomplishing something he's proud of. He then stood up, left his scent on the trap house and scorers stand, and waddled off to a local bar to "soak in" the days festivities. Ahh, the stuff that heros are made of!!!

    Well it's time to close this portion of the Dog Squad report. I have to get back to the negotiations with Hugh. It seems he's willing to let the Dogs sample the Playboy inventory but he is hung up about including the Big Dog in the fun. I guess he realizes "once they experience the Big Dog they never come back".

    Mark Zauhar, personal writer and business agent for the Minnesota Dog Squad
     
  19. sle081

    sle081 Member

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    NOW Phil I may take large exception to the "rung out" comment !!! I may have had some issues in San Antonio but "rung out" may be a bit extreme.
    BIG DOG
     
  20. thesqueeze

    thesqueeze TS Member

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    Some of Big Dogs performances may have missed the mark, but I can assure you some of his performances earned him the Grand Championship Trophy!
     
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