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Joke with First Testament/Biblical Reference.

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Chango2, Jan 20, 2012.

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  1. Chango2

    Chango2 Active Member

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    (If offended by jokes with Biblical reference, in this case The Torah, i.e. First Testament, I hope you opt out of reading. Sent in the need for a Friday "lighten up" and not meant to be in any mean spirit. A bit in the style of "Borscht Belt" humor I suppose.)

    From a dear friend; best e mail of this day, 01-20-12:

    Quandary

    In her radio show, Dr Laura
    Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an
    abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under
    any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura,
    penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny,
    as well as informative:

    Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
    have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
    knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
    homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus
    18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
    female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend
    of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
    clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
    Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
    price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
    period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do
    I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
    pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours.
    They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
    clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
    kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
    abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
    don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
    defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
    my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
    around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
    Lev.19:27. How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
    unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
    crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
    two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
    curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
    trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
    Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we
    do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
    considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your adoring fan.

    James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,

    Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
     
  2. kiv-c

    kiv-c Member

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    Always seems to be an awful lot of smiting going on in the Bible, doesn't there?
     
  3. Chango2

    Chango2 Active Member

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    kiv-C

    lots of smiting for sure, in fact I'm going to have a word with my neighbour right now. He uses G-d's name, in vain, against trapshooters and I say he can't do that.
     
  4. Porcupine

    Porcupine Active Member

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    I rationalize Old Testament 'values' such as those quoted above as the dictates of a younger, more controlling God. Compare the Old Testament God to the New Testament God .... Isn't the New Testament God more 'forgiving'? What's the difference? God became a Father! The Father of the most famous Son in history.

    Can any man say that they have not become a more forgiving, open-minded person by being a father?

    LA in MA
     
  5. likes-to-shoot

    likes-to-shoot Well-Known Member

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    They like to play baseball also.


    <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/CzSW0JlMvpw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


    <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Hd5B5AbLzOo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
     
  6. Chango2

    Chango2 Active Member

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    Great points LA. I think that the Holy Bible gives good guidance and an overview of history and how people thought thousands of years ago. I also believe that the Bible is as much as a reflective document based upon parables and suggestions; suggestions that are not to be taken literally. And the First Testament maybe reflects a very different view of G-d held by the earlier monotheists vs. later scholars and contributers that came along.

    I'll be the first to admit that I have consulted the Ten Commandments for ethical guidance now and then involving choice-choice situations involving exchange of merchandise, especially with friends. (When "fair" to all is more challenging to discouver..) However, I sure prefer a more "modern" interpreation of G-d as more guiding and forgiving.
     
  7. halfmile

    halfmile Well-Known Member

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    Most people tend to think of God as if He were Santa Claus, sitting on a throne, deciding who goes up and who goes down. I don't buy it.

    Much of the O.T. law came from humans. The Ten Commandments were straight from the Boss, however.

    The prohibition of pork was very sensible, since food was not cooked thoroughly much of the time and trichinosis was very possible. Where the elders got all their information originally is subject to question.

    The rules given in Leviticus were to protect the people of Israel, and to keep them from doing things that would be harmful. The reproductive function was necessary to survival of the race, and Homosexuality was contrary to it. There was also a prohibition against race mixing, as evidenced by the story of Phineas.

    Of course things are different today and I like ham. I would not sell my daughter into slavery, but I have a son that's up for grabs.

    HM

    HM
     
  8. WGB

    WGB Member

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    It's actually The Bible. Period.

    Then for some religions and denominations, most polytheists, Christians included, and others there is the "New Testament".

    The Torah is the first five books of "The Bible." Known as the law or the five books of Moses.
     
  9. Garry

    Garry Active Member

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    The following is no joke.

    Greatest Commandment: You shall love your Lord your God with all your heart, and with all of your soul and with all of your mind. Matthew 22:37 (NAS)

    Second Greatest Commandment: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:39 (NAS).

    Golden Rule: In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and Prophets. Matthew: 7:12.

    People do NOT go to Hell because of something that happens in the flesh, but because of something that did not happen in the heart!
     
  10. porky

    porky TS Member

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    I have learned that the Old testament was to rule the generation before Christ. When Christ came on the scene and was crucified, the New Testament became to rule to live by.
     
  11. Onceabum

    Onceabum TS Member

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    The first 2000 years, people’s sins were not imputed to them (were not held against them) but sin got so bad, (and people started taking God’s silence as approval) that God came out with his laws. This was his first covenant. These laws are often referred to as Moses’ laws.

    During the next two thousand years God started imputing peoples sins to them. God’s laws, however, were so harsh and restrictive that it was impossible to keep them, therefore, no one could ever be good enough to reach heaven. James 2:10.

    God then gave us a new covenant, Hebrews 8:7 thru 13. The old covenant has been made obsolete so we were no longer under the old testament law. He sent his son, Jesus as an atonement for our sins and now we are living under his Grace, and do not get to heaven by our own works. Ephesians 2: 8 and 9.
     
  12. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

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    Because it is against the law to import them! ( Just like Cuban cigars!)
     
  13. bigdogtx

    bigdogtx Well-Known Member

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    What about NAFTA????
     
  14. Chango2

    Chango2 Active Member

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    Darn, my posting this, which referred to Dr. Laura, makes me wonder on which aux. drive I stored some "hot" pictures of her...remember those, back in the late 90's? She used to date some rather well-known disc jokey but I forget his name.
     
  15. twopipe

    twopipe Member

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    You can't individually, but America does seem to own a lot of Canada, maybe that's what they meant.
     
  16. radeck

    radeck Member

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    I also like pork, - a lot. When I was growing up the kid across the street was Jewish, went to his Bar Mitzvah. The kid down the street was Mormon. Always kind of wanted to be a Jew. Maybe I could become what my dad would have called a jack-leg Jew!
     
  17. Chango2

    Chango2 Active Member

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    My wife just told me that Dr. Laura converted to Judiasm. I am a real "mutt"; half Jewish, 1/4 Japanese, and 1/4...ah, I guess you would call it Northern European Gentile. This is for "reals"....

    Now this creates problems: 1. December 7 each year, I want to bomb Pearl Goldberg's home. (Non-PC, I know, and not true.....entirely) The rest is for "reals": 2. Marriages between individuals of different ethnicities often (due to differences in stature) cause maloclusions and cost my parens money for othodondics as a kid. 3. I believe in this world, where there is now very fast transportation and communication, the rate of marriage between individuals of different geographic backgrounds and more diverse DNA will increase. Therefore, as the field of dentistry shrinks due to less need, orthodontia needs will increase. 4. Come to think of it, with increasing age span, so will the need for more periodontics. 5. This is the world explained to me by my Chinese-American beautiful middle aged lady dermetologist. 6. Oh, and in today's world, beef, elk, deer, chicken, etc. are no less dangerous than pork. All will kill you if not handled correctly, just like water and air. Think about it...


    With Good Intentions and Intended Humor and Some Seriousness,

    David
     
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