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Joke: way O.T don't read

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by birdtracker, Sep 17, 2008.

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  1. birdtracker

    birdtracker Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
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    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili.

    Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.

    Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?


    Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mass explosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Kroger. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..





    STANDARD DISCLAIMER

    A fart it is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud.

    A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly.

    A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while...... A fart can occur In n number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces.

    From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of us Sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true-
     
  2. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    5,049
    Location:
    Near but not in chicago
    OMG I'm crying I'm laughing so hard, I may have just soiled myself dam you
     
  3. Jim101

    Jim101 Active Member

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    Location:
    Knob Noster, Mo
    OK time for the chili taster joke. Jim


    If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


    Here are the scorecard notes from the event

    CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.


    Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.


    Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


    CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...


    Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.


    Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.


    Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


    CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...


    Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.


    Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.


    Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


    CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...


    Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


    Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.


    Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


    CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...


    Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.


    Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


    Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


    CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...


    Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.


    Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.


    Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


    CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..


    Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


    Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.


    Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


    CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...


    Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.


    Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


    Judge .. 3 - No Report.....
     
  4. laura!

    laura! Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2007
    Messages:
    438
    OK, I know it's an old one but I can't help myself...

    Beans, beans
    Good for the heart
    The more you eat
    The more you fart
    The more you fart
    the better you feel
    so eat your beans
    with every meal
     
  5. locdoc

    locdoc Member

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    Location:
    Antrim, NH
    I'm with Bruce on this one..............

    Doug Whiton, P/W dealer/dist
     
  6. The Stive

    The Stive Member

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    635
    Oh My Gawd!! I laughed until I cried. Two really good ones. Whoosh. John
     
  7. TommyTEREX

    TommyTEREX Member

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    495
    Thanks for the coffee out my nose. LMAO.

    Tom R.
     
  8. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

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    Great Jokes, laughed till I farted. II
     
  9. 3dram8

    3dram8 Member

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    929
    Okay, Q. Why don't UPS drivers eat all-bean wet burritos?

    A. Because they have an adverse effect on NEXT DAY AIR.

    ........Rick
     
  10. Dr.Longshot

    Dr.Longshot Banned Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
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    5,722
    I never ever have laughed so hard in all my life at those 2 jokes I am printing them to take to the shoot tonite.


    OOOOoooohhhhh sheeeeet those were funny.


    Gary Bryant
    Dr.longshot
     
  11. birdtracker

    birdtracker Active Member

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    I thought it was funny!!
     
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