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JOKE TIME !

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by bigbore613, Apr 23, 2008.

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  1. bigbore613

    bigbore613 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    4,469
    A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
    to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
    signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
    gently caressed his full beard.
    "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
    hands.
    "Actually, no," he replied.
    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
    hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can
    do?"
    "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her
    forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
    fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
    "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.


    "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper
    towels in the ladies room."
     
  2. AUSSIE RAY

    AUSSIE RAY TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    15
    A guy said to his doctor "Have you ever laughed at a patient"? The doctor answered "No Sir, I have been a health care professional for over 20 years and I have never laughed at a patient"
    So the guy dropped his pants and he had the smallest pecker the doctor had ever seen - why it was about the size of a AAA battery! At first the doctor let out a little giggle and then burst into a full belly laugh. After a while the doctor pulled himself together and sincerely apologised to the guy." I am so sorry" the doctor said "You have my word as a gentleman I will not laugh at you anymore, now tell me whats wrong.
    The guy says "It's swollen!'
     
  3. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    740
    Your parrot is dead senor
    At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead"

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

    "Si, Senor, that's the one."

    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

    "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

    "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

    "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

    "Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

    "Are you insane?? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

    "Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

    "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

    "What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!"

    "Yes, Senor Rod."

    "But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

    "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

    "Your wife's, Senor Rod", she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Perazzi MX-10RS."

    SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .


    "Ernesto, if you broke that Perazzi, you're in deep crap!!"
     
  4. blizzard

    blizzard Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,583
    A Chinese guy walks into the eye Dr's. office and tells the doc that his eye hurts and his vision is blurry. After a thorough exam, the Dr. tells the Asian guy that he has a cataract.


    The Asian guy says," Cataract"?, No Cataract. I have a Rincoln Continental.
     
  5. HANGFIRE

    HANGFIRE Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    218
    ( OK this is the last time )


    WHO IS JACK SHIT


    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Shit!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit. Awe Shit, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Shit, the owner of Needeep N. Shit, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Shit married Noe Shit. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit.

    Against her parents' objections, Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Shit divorced. Noe Shit later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shit Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Loda Shit, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shit. Two of the other six children, Fulla Shit and Giva Shit, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

    Bull Shit, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Shit.


    Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Shit,' you can correct them.

    Sincerely, Crock O. Shit
     
  6. Dr.Longshot

    Dr.Longshot Banned Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    5,722
    Engaged couple were killed on the way to their wedding, at the Golden Gate they asked St.Peter if they could get married in heaven, St. Peter said he would check into it, a month passed and no answer, 2 months and no answer, and the couple was thinking that if the marriage did not work they would be stuck there with each other, Then St.Peter came and said I got good news you can get married here, the couple asked that if the marriage did not work out could they get a divorce there, St.Peter slammed down his clip board and said it took me 3 months to find a priest to marry you, how long do you think I will have to look to find a lawyer here.

    Gary Bryant
    Dr.longshot
     
  7. coyote268

    coyote268 TS Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2006
    Messages:
    188
    This guy was in bed with this beautiful blonde when they heard a car pull up. She looked out and said oh my god, my husband just drove upand he will kill us if he finds us together. He said where's the back door? She said we don't have one. He said, where do you want it.
    Dan
     
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