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Joke of the day !!

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by bigbore613, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. bigbore613

    bigbore613 Active Member

    Joined:
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    THE WEDDING TEST

    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
    dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

    There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her
    beautiful
    younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore
    very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
    regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more
    than
    a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when
    she was near anyone else.

    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
    check
    the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
    whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she

    couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
    before I
    got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
    last
    wild fling, just come up and get me.'

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
    stairs.
    I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline
    straight
    to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
    my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
    clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We
    are very
    happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for
    a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your
    condoms in your car. LOL ,Jeff
     
  2. Shooting Jack

    Shooting Jack Active Member

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    Blackshear, Georgia
    Now that is funny.
     
  3. Pull & Mark

    Pull & Mark Well-Known Member

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    You owe me a new keyboard, tea all over it. LOL. Break-em all. Jeff
     
  4. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

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    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

    The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind em. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
    While they are standing there look ing at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

    The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

    And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "


    Jerbear
     
  5. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

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    Jerbear, just a little long in the tooth.
     
  6. dbl20

    dbl20 TS Member

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    I don't remember where this joke came from, probably TS.com. J Sharp

    The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

    "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

    "I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.

    "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

    The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."

    Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.

    When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

    Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

    The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

    "Amen" said Bill.

    "Amen" said Hillary.

    The old priest continued......"He died between two lying thieves.

    I would like to do the same."
     
  7. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

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    A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.
    He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the first
    cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he
    had just caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds
    when his cell phone rang.

    It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
    been in a terrible accident and was in critical
    condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to
    inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as
    soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
    leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on
    the water.

    He decided to get in a couple of more casts before
    heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest
    of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer
    like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds.
    He was jubil ant.... Then he remembered his wife.

    Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the
    doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
    condition.

    The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead
    and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope
    you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the
    past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your
    wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
    well you went ahead and finished because it will be
    more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'
    'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the
    clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'

    The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and
    sobbed.

    The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messin'
    with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?'
     
  8. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

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    <embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i35.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid35.photobucket.com/albums/d184/Jerbear1098/Videos/Mommas_Helper.flv">


    jERBEAR
     
  9. bigbore613

    bigbore613 Active Member

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    Good one Jerry !
     
  10. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

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    LOT 'S WIFE:
    The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
    "My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

    GOOD SAMARITAN:
    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
    A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

    DID NOAH FISH?
    A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
    "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

    HIGHER POWER:
    A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
    One child blurted out, "Aces!"

    MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
    Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
    "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
    People walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
    "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
    "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

    THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
    A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible : Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

    UNANSWERED PRAYER?
    The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
    "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
    "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

    BEING THANKFUL
    A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
    The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

    UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
    During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"
    Tommy answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"

    TIME TO PRAY
    A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
    "Yes, sir," the boy replied.
    "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
    "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

    ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
    When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
    For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?"
    Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

    SAY A PRAYER
    Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
    "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." Said his mother.
    "I don't have to," The boy replied.
    "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating, at our house."
    "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
     
  11. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Near but not in chicago
    Great joke it gave me a much need laugh
     
  12. trpshtr2001

    trpshtr2001 TS Member

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    Very good
     
  13. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

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    The Bricklayer's Accident report.--------

    Dear Sir:

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs.

    Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley, which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now, devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
    ~Author Unknown~

    Hauxfan!
     
  14. Jeff P

    Jeff P Well-Known Member

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    Hauxfan,

    not to ruin a good joke, and it IS a good joke, Mythbusters on the discovery channel did that test with a crash dummy and a barrel load of bricks. It worked pretty much as advertised, but they had trouble getting the barrel to break open when it hit the ground...

    After they weakened it considerably (they dang near cut the bottom out of it) it did work that way...dummy went up in the air, barrel hit the ground, broke, dummy hit the ground, barrel JUST ABOUT landed on the dummy.

    It was funny to watch...
     
  15. dbl20

    dbl20 TS Member

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    A skeetshooter gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the skeeter says, "OK, now what?
    Anon
     
  16. Shady Creek

    Shady Creek TS Member

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    Thanks, guys. GOOD LUCK
     
  17. Wahoo

    Wahoo TS Member

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    Hauxfan, Ray Stevens put out a song a few years ago using these stanzas as lyrics. It is titled simply "The Bricklayer's Song" and it can be found on the tape "Classic Ray Stevens", Curb Records, D4-77621. I think it is on a LP of the same name also but my LP collection is in a mess as I am entering everything into a database and I have piles of LPs by various artiss sitting all over the place. The good thing is that I only have around 1200 LPs to go until I get them all entered, then come the tapes, then the CDs, then the 45s, then the 78s, etc. If you can lay your hands on the Ray Stevens song, it is vintage Ray Stevens. My favorite Ray Stevens work, though, is still "Shriner's Convention".
     
  18. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Wahoo and Jeff, I didn't know those facts. Just thought it was a funny scenario. Here's another joke!


    Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

    He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

    Hostage answers yes.

    Robber shoots him in the head.

    Asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

    Hostage answers no, but my wife did.

    Hauxfan!
     
  19. Jeff P

    Jeff P Well-Known Member

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    Haux....

    I don't know if I can call what I reported "facts"...but it sure was entertaining to watch them make it work.
     
  20. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

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    Jerry, I'll bet it was. It is funny to think about even though it may not have happened like that in the real world.

    Hauxfan!
     
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