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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by Satch, Oct 11, 2007.

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  1. Satch

    Satch TS Member

    Sep 9, 2007

    Dear Walter:

    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
    my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
    than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the
    car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
    When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front
    of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and
    he was wearing my make up.

    I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
    When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my
    lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked
    him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing
    my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

    He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
    feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but
    ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
    I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?


    Mrs. Sheila Lusk

    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
    variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
    debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
    holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
    approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
    faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
    I hope this helps.

  2. J. Ashley

    J. Ashley TS Member

    Aug 25, 2007
    LOL, that's a classic. Thanks for posting it Satch.
  3. hairy

    hairy TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
    Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going"?

    Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf"?

    Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
    but I think I've got that going right now."

    Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong,
    I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
    Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

    Tiger says, "You play golf??"

    Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

    Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

    Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
    and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
    toward him.
    Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green
    or farther down the fairway and again, I play the ball toward his

    "But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

    "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
    and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
    toward his voice."

    Woods asks, "What's your handicap"?

    Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

    Woods, incredulous, says, "We've got to play around sometime."

    Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
    for money,
    and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

    Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm all for that. When would you
    like to play"?

    Stevie says: "Pick a night."
  4. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

    May 16, 2007

    Happy Hour In Texas

    A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas.

    A sign in front of a restaurant reads:


    Lobster Tail and Beer

    "Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

  5. laura!

    laura! Member

    Feb 18, 2007
    Why men don't make good secretaries.

    Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
    "Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.
    I didn't know you like beer."

    HANGFIRE Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
    (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
    (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
    (I'm still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

    (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
    (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
    (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Something I always wanted to know.)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
    (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

    A cat's urine glows under a black light.
    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    ( I know some people like that.)

    Starfish have no brains
    (I know some people like that too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.
    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (What about that pig??)
  7. cam

    cam TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Old cowboy walks into a bar
    Sign on the wall says:

    Cheeseburger --- $1.50

    Chicken Sandwitch ---- $4.50

    Hand Job ---- $10.00

    He sees good looking babe behind the bar and motions her over,

    He says, are you the one that gives the hand jobs?

    With a knowing and experienced look she says, why yes I am

    Old cowboy says, Well you need to go wash your hands, cause I need a cheeseburger.
  8. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

    May 16, 2007

    The Winning Question:

    A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win 1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

    As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

    Is it:

    A) the condor

    B) the buzzard

    C) the cuckoo

    D) the vulture

    The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well... Blonde.

    She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

    The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde. That would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded "I need an answer," said Regis.

    Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

    "Is that your final answer?"

    "Yes, that is my final answer."

    Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is... Absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire!"

    Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

    "Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

    "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

  9. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

    May 16, 2007

    An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

    After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

    Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

    "Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before".........!!!

  10. starshot2b

    starshot2b TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

    Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

    Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

    Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
  11. mitterand

    mitterand TS Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    " I'm voting Republican this time. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth." - Monica Lewinsky
  12. William681

    William681 Member

    Feb 28, 2006
    Southport NC
    Ole was walking home late one night, short cutting through the park, he sees a woman in the shadows.

    "Twenty dollars" she whispers.

    He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides,
    what the heck, it's only twenty bucks.

    They hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for
    a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them

    -- it's a police officer.

    "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

    "I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.

    "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."

    "Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that
    damn light in her face."
  13. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

    May 16, 2007

    A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game. The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

    This catches the Cajun's attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from Earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the Cajun's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

    He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500.

    The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

    The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

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