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****Joke of the day***

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by ec90t, Jul 19, 2007.

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  1. ec90t

    ec90t Guest

    The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."

    So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

    One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

    "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

    A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

    I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss."

    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

    Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

    ec90t
     
  2. Wayne In ny

    Wayne In ny TS Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    72
    A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were

    arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The

    Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no

    woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker

    accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in

    the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was

    in awe.



    The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian

    woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was

    absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to

    use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he

    could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying

    to California , the Hawaii woodpecker successfully

    pecked the tree with no problem.



    So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it

    that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the

    Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to

    peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to

    peck the tree in their own state?



    After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the

    same conclusion.

    Your pecker is always harder when you are away from home!
     
  3. FarmerD

    FarmerD TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    781
    Red Tomatoes
    A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
    One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
    The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
    The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
    Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
    So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
    One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
    No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
     
  4. FarmerD

    FarmerD TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    781
    BABY'S FIRST EXAMINATION!!!


    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
    the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
    being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

    "Breast-fed," she replied.

    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
    breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

    Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby
    is underweight. You don't have any milk."

    "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
     
  5. FarmerD

    FarmerD TS Member

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    781
    A concert in Ireland

    At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

    A voice from the front of the audience yells out..."Then stop clapping, ya asshole!"



    You Got To Love the Irish!
     
  6. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2007
    Messages:
    259
    *

    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as he speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

    Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar." "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

    "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

    .
     
  7. foghorn220

    foghorn220 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,535
    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
    boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I
    bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll
    bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that
    little hole."


    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
    spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy
    then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the
    little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.


    Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy
    another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me
    five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
     
  8. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2007
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    259
    *

    NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

    A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

    The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

    "Emma come first.

    Den I come.

    Den two asses come together.

    I come once-a-more!.

    Two asses, they come together again.

    I come again and pee twice.

    Then I come one lasta time."

    The lady can't take this any more,

    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

    "In this country we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

    "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."

    .
     
  9. five straight

    five straight TS Member

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  10. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

    Joined:
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    259
    *

    The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord" he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?"

    The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam."

    .
     
  11. Jerbear

    Jerbear TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,588
    A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
    attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his
    watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

    "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
    testing it."

    The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?" "What's so
    special about it?"

    The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

    The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

    Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

    The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
    wearing panties!"

    The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,


    "Damn thing's an hour fast."


    Jerbear
     
  12. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

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    *

    Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

    She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

    He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.

    However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

    Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

    She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

    Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

    Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

    Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

    She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

    Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long.

    .
     
  13. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

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    Difference Between Democrats and Republicans

    Here is a simple lesson illustrating the difference between the two parties:

    Fred The Republican & Democrat Hillary were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

    The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

    Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

    Now, do you understand the difference?

    .
     
  14. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

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    This is where you will find me--saving money!

    .
     
  15. starship

    starship TS Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2007
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    148
    A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded
    above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
    TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
    The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
    over anytime I want."

    The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
    challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
    the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will
    nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
    me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
    think of something that would
    honor and glorify me."

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
    wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside,
    what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
    what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
    truly happy."

    The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?
     
  16. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

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    Dan Dunn on Theater Art, turn your Speakers on! This guy is Incredible! Just click on the URL above and enjoy!

    .
     
  17. Lkn4rocks

    Lkn4rocks TS Member

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    This does have humor but please be warned; it does use the "F" word quite often.

    http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2582201

    .
     
  18. ramen39

    ramen39 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
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    Two good old boys were sitting on the porch having A beer when one asked the other. If I went over to your house while you were out hunting and I got it on with your wife and she had A baby would we be kin?
    The other guy thought about it for awhile and then said. I don't know if we would be kin but I suppose we would be even.
     
  19. Wayne In ny

    Wayne In ny TS Member

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    A woman who's love life was not very good was walking through the mall and she went into Victories Secret. Looking around she bought a pair of crotchless panties. When she got home she put them on and waited for her husband to get home from work. When the husband came in she gave him a big kiss and said
    "Do you want some of this"?

    The husband says

    "Hell no Look what it done to your underwear"
     
  20. atashooter

    atashooter Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
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    Saw thgis on Hannity last night and got a chuckle. Has some light profanity, thats why I left it a link.
     
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