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Joke for today

Discussion in 'Politics, Elections & Legislation' started by timberfaller, May 9, 2011.

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  1. timberfaller

    timberfaller Active Member

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    Yep fits our media to a T!
  2. Barrelbulge(Pa)

    Barrelbulge(Pa) Well-Known Member

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    Very brave man jokes!!!


    1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
    Marry It!

    2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
    Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

    4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
    Put a nipple on it.

    5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
    Because they think men care.

    6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
    Nothing, she's been told twice already.

    7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long

    8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


    9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


    11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
    It's called a Wedding Cake.

    13 - Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
  3. Bob Hawkes

    Bob Hawkes TS Member

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    Bulger's done it again. Too funny. ROTFL
  4. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Active Member

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    Bulge I'm forwarding this to your wife LOL just kidding! I enjoyed the laugh hope my wifes out some where.
  5. oz

    oz Active Member

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    If bulg has a wwife he probably kidnapped her when whe was 6. oz
  6. Barrelbulge(Pa)

    Barrelbulge(Pa) Well-Known Member

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    Bulge has had the same wife for forty years now.
  7. 682b

    682b Member

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    I remember a few years ago when we had some jokes. That did not last long. Some feelings or Percival feelings got hurt and the principle got involved. KEEP THEM COMING I like them. Jim
  8. Barrelbulge(Pa)

    Barrelbulge(Pa) Well-Known Member

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    How about some one liners?


    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


    I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did..


    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Forget that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"


    Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."


    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.


    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



    Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?



    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.


    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
    I said, "You're obviously not listening. "


    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
  9. WS-1

    WS-1 Active Member

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    Gawd, Bulge, they're just the greatest jokes of ALL TIME. Thanks!!!!!

    Kit
  10. Russ-in-Pa

    Russ-in-Pa TS Member

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    Keep them coming!!
  11. Barrelbulge(Pa)

    Barrelbulge(Pa) Well-Known Member

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    Some cleaner ones.

    How children perceive their grandparents



    1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....


    2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


    3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
    Who was THAT?"


    4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd got to know you sooner!"

    5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?' "You're both old," he replied.

    6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

    "What's it about?" he asked.

    "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


    7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"


    8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


    9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

    10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
    "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."


    11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
    "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

    12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
    "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
    A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


    13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


    14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
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