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Irish Humor

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by BRGII, Mar 18, 2009.

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  1. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

    Feb 26, 2008
    Missed St Patty’s Day by a couple….but it still works……..

    A Mormon & an Irishman

    A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London..

    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

    The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

    The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


    John Bradford, a Dublin University
    student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a
    very dark night and in the midst of a big

    The night was rolling on and no car went
    by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few
    feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
    coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for
    shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
    car and closed the door.. only to realize there was
    nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't

    The car started
    moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
    curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
    for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve,
    a hand appeared out of no where through the window and
    turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched
    as the hand came through the window, but never touched
    or harmed him.

    thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down
    the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the
    car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed
    inside and started telling everybody about the
    horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence
    enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
    crying and....wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other
    people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They,
    like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking
    around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,
    one said to the other...

    'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot
    that got in the car while we were pushing
  2. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 1998
    Oxford MA
    I missed it also but just in the spirt of the day.

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
    Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
    They draw straws.. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
    'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
    Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.. Mrs.
    Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home..'
    'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
    'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
    A cop pulls him over.. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
    'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
    'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
    'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
    'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
    'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

    Bob Lawless
  3. William681

    William681 Member

    Feb 28, 2006
    Southport NC
    Always a favorite of mine

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
    'What happened to you?' asks Sean , the bartender.' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
    'That little O'Conner ,' says Sean , 'He couldn't do that to you , he must have had something in his hand.'
    'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
    'Well,' says Sean , 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
    That I did,' said Paddy, ' Mrs. O'Conner 's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

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