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humor thats how the fight started

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by George Steffes, Sep 28, 2011.

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  1. George Steffes

    George Steffes TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    149
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
    a Christmas gift.

    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.
    ________________________________

    My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while
    we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' she answered.

    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started.
    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.
    _______________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
    reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
    drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
    hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started.
    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
    to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
    something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
    making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she
    thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
    scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
    the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
    I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
    grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    ______________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started.
    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
    lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
    boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
    downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
    garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
    would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
    into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
    anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
    terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my
    stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started.
    ______________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
    anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
    about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started.
    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
    for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
    verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
    to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
    me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
    your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started.
    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
    to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started.
    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.
     
  2. grntitan

    grntitan Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2009
    Messages:
    17,202
    Location:
    IL(The gun friendly Southern Part)
    Good stuff..........
     
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