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Greatest comeback line ?

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by bigbore613, Jun 24, 2008.

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  1. bigbore613

    bigbore613 Active Member

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    If you ever testify in court, you might wish
    you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
    He was being cross-examined by a defense
    attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was
    trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...


    Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the
    scene?'
    A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person
    matching the description of the offender,
    running several blocks away.'
    Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
    A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
    Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of
    this so-called offender.
    Do you trust your fellow officers?'
    A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
    Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then,
    officer. Do you have a room where you
    change your clothes in preparation
    for your daily duties?'
    A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
    Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
    A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
    Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
    A: 'Yes sir.'
    Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your
    fellow officers with your life, you find it
    necessary to lock your locker in a room
    you share with these same officers?'
    A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with
    the court complex, and sometimes lawyers
    have been known to walk through that room.'

    The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and
    a prompt recess was called. The officer on the
    stand has been nominated for this year's
    'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
     
  2. hairy

    hairy TS Member

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    374
    A funny...

    Nine Out of Ten

    I was meeting a friend in a hotel bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

    "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

    Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him, "That girl over there just rated me a nine out of ten."

    "I don't want to ruin it for you, but when I walked in, they were speaking German."
     
  3. Mr Newbius©

    Mr Newbius© TS Member

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  4. BDodd

    BDodd TS Member

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    I had an attorney ask with a smirk if I was the "artist who drew that diagram on the blackboard"? I replied that "I am the Highway Patrolman that drew the diagram on the blackboard!" This got the judge laughing and even other defendants giggling for a few moments.
     
  5. pyrdek

    pyrdek Well-Known Member

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    Winston Churchill, while at a dinner one time was approached by some British Dame (the title of Nobility not the other usage). She said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I would give you poison!"

    He replied, "Madame, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
     
  6. Juno

    Juno TS Member

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    This is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
    (I this is one of the best comeback lines of all time… )

    -----

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

    GENERAL REINWALD:
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL REINWALD:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL REINWALD:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL REINWALD:
    Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

    The radio went silent and the interview ended. All over America, people were thinking: Semper Fi, Marine !
     
  7. Juno

    Juno TS Member

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    And for all you guys who got screwed in divorce court:<br><br><br><br>"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
    carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've
    decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very
    fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now
    and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself".
     
  8. JohnBT

    JohnBT TS Member

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    Defense Attorney:
    "You just testified on cross-examination that you didn't actually see my client bite his ear off, right?"

    Witness:
    "Right."

    Defense attorney:
    "Well, if that's the case, how is it that you can say that you know that he bit the other man's ear off?"

    Witness:
    "Because I saw him spit it out."
     
  9. ddrsuz

    ddrsuz Member

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    another great Winston Churchill line addressed to (I believe) Lady Ashley:

    "Yes, I am drunk but YOU are ugly and in the morning I shall be sober but YOU shall still be ugly."
    -Winston Churchill

    Dennis
     
  10. starship

    starship TS Member

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    I usually tell my daughters boyfriends "just remember, I'm not afraid to go back to jail."

    At least it makes them think...:)
     
  11. timb99

    timb99 Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Shawnee, Kansas, USA
    Juno,

    The NPR interview never happened....

    Good line though
     
  12. Mr Newbius©

    Mr Newbius© TS Member

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    Whenever a father told me that I would always just say I thought you looked familiar and then I ask him if he keeps in touch with his jailtime husband.
     
  13. ddrsuz

    ddrsuz Member

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    another great quote incorrectly credited to General Norman Schwartzkopf (but later accepted by him) in regard to the question of forgiveness for the terrorists:

    "Forgiveness in God's decision, our job is to arrange the meeting"

    d
     
  14. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

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    On my honeymoon night, my wife looked at my manhood and asked who I was going to please with that little thing.

    I said..........me!

    Hauxfan!
     
  15. bigbore613

    bigbore613 Active Member

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    Under coverr of darkness I put it in her hand and she said, No thanks I don't smoke. " Rodney Dangerfeild "
     
  16. timb99

    timb99 Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Shawnee, Kansas, USA
    Conversation overheard at a college party, between a college sorority girl (with some of her friends standing by) and a freshman college boy, standing by the wall with his hands in his pockets.

    Girl, coolly: Whatcha doin over there little fella? Playin' some pocket pool?

    Boy: No miss, the game I'm playin' is called elevator.

    Girl, puzzled: Elevator? How do you play that?

    Boy, with a smirk: Well miss, right now it's up, and maybe you'd like to go down on it?
     
  17. BILL GRILL

    BILL GRILL Well-Known Member

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    My ex-wifes attorney had me on the stand trying to figure out how much money I made. He asked me if I gambled and I said " ONLY AT THE ALTER" . Got a giggle out of the Judge also. Bill
     
  18. phirel

    phirel TS Member

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    True story, but I can't recall the names. A Senator from Vermont was teased a lot about his very bald head. While seated at a table, another Senator walked behind him, rubbed his head and stated "That feels like my wife's behind". The Vermont Senator looked at the other Senator, raised his hand and rubbed his head. He then stated "Why, it certainly does".

    Pat Ireland
     
  19. pdq

    pdq Member

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    All of these are funny, but many are fabrications I believe. The following is a true story, given I was there when it happened.

    The fellow who lived across the street was a happy, easy-going guy who was known to drink a bit too much at times, didn't make much money, but picked up jobs as they came along. And, on Christmas Day, it was his habit to knock on the door early in the afternoon, come in and have a drink of whisky. When I was in my mid-teens this happened, and my father & I sat in the living room while Bill had his drink and we chatted.

    My dad asked how things were going & Bill said 'well to tell you the truth, not too well, I got arrested earlier in the week.' My dad said he was sorry and asked what had happened.

    Bill said 'well, I was in bed with another man's wife, and he came home, caught us together, and called the police. Next I know, I'm in municipal court in front of the judge, who walks into the court room, sits down, looks over the papers for a minute and then says "Bill, what are you doing back here -- I thought you promised you'd straighten out and not be back here again, but it says here you were caught Disturbing the Peace". But I told the judge "Judge, I wasn't trying to disturb the peace, I was trying to get one".

    The judge apparently thought that was pretty funny & gave Bill a break.

    Pete
     
  20. pancho villa

    pancho villa TS Member

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    my favorite is when a newsman asked Donald Rumsfeld how he felt about going to war without France. He said it was like going deer hunting without your accordian.
     
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