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Friday funnies

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Threads' started by hairy, Mar 7, 2008.

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  1. hairy

    hairy TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    374
    Two buddies, Fred and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
    "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

    Fred says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

    So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

    Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

    "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

    Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,

    "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

    His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

    "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
     
  2. Hap MecTweaks

    Hap MecTweaks Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    9,226
    Location:
    Mesquite, Nevada
    A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
    Kansas
    City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window)
    turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
    cats
    have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?' The
    mother,
    who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight
    attendant.
    So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The
    flight
    attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'Did your
    Mom
    tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes she did.' 'Well, then, you go
    and
    tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes, because Southwest
    always "pulls out on time". Have your Mom explain that to you.

    :) Hap
     
  3. Bruce Specht

    Bruce Specht Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    5,049
    Location:
    Near but not in chicago
    Very Good ( both ) and thanks for the laugh
     
  4. Ljutic111

    Ljutic111 TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,730
    Yes they are 2 of the best I`ve heard in quite a while .
     
  5. mtn

    mtn TS Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2007
    Messages:
    8
    MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED

    An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
    One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
    Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
    'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.
    'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
    Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
    crazy,
    she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
    condolences.'
    The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
    Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
    He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking
    down the hall like that.
    Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
    'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday
    that my Private Part died.
    Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
    out of your pajamas?'
    Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
     
  6. hairy

    hairy TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    374
    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
    meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
    "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
    every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
    ________________________________________________________________________


    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
    meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    The man said, "I do, Father."

    The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
    Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
    "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
    heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

    The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
    die you don't want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
    together to go right now."
    ________________________________________________________________________



    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
    obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

    "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

    "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
    _____________________________________________________________________


    A priest was driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
    in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
    and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the priest.

    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
    __________________________________________________________________________


    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
    one - just had another fight with the little woman."

    "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

    "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

    "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

    She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
    _______________________________________________________________________

    Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
    buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
    but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his
    body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
    broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
    the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly
    find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place
    he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
    way to bed

    In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring
    at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

    Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

    "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom
    of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
    bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
    _________________________________________________________________________________
     
  7. Frank C

    Frank C Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,863
    Partying with the boys..............................

    A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

    When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife started nagging and went on and on.

    After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.
    "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....

    The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!" Monday went by, and the man didn't see his
    wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

    Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
     
  8. Bob Schultz

    Bob Schultz Well-Known Member Supporting Vendor

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,741
    Location:
    Tuxedo NC
    Ian McTavish was walking along a country road in Scotland...he became a bit tired and thought he would stop for a nap under a big shade tree.

    While he was sleeping a sweet young lass, Colleen, walked by and decided to play a trick on old Ian. She lifted up his kilt and tied the blue ribon from her hair around his privates and gently put the kilt down and left.

    A little while later Ian awoke and to his surprise he felt something strange under his kilt. He lifted it up to inspect what was going on and said in amazement " I don' know where you been...and I don' know what you been doin'...but I'm glad you won first prize!"
     
  9. Hap MecTweaks

    Hap MecTweaks Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    9,226
    Location:
    Mesquite, Nevada
    Human Race

    A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

    The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."

    A few days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them."

    The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

    The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

    One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

    Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!



    My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"
     
  10. Frank C

    Frank C Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    2,863
    The Polite way to Pee

    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
    asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on
    a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
    that you have to go to the bathroom?"

    Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."


    The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
    What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"


    Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
    I'll be right back."


    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom

    at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your
    brain for once and show us your good manners?"
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
    to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
    introduce you to after dinner."


    The teacher fainted..
     
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