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Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Ahab, Oct 21, 2010.

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  1. Ahab

    Ahab Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,651
    As we are half-way into the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

    I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

    I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't go out and enjoy a cocktail that someone buys me. I might be laced with Ruppies.

    I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ˜Under God™ on their cans.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls toJamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

    I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

    I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
     
  2. grnberetcj

    grnberetcj Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    5,680
    Call Oprah....she'll get you on her show!!

    Curt
     
  3. recurvyarcher

    recurvyarcher Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2006
    Messages:
    6,450
    And don't forget about base was migration. It would be best to shoot on a one man squad from now on, just in case anyone is reloading.
     
  4. shot410ga

    shot410ga Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    7,778
    And you've only covered a small part of all the things that can go wrong, per my E-mail. But, I still drink Coke, and will always pick up a $5.00 bill.
     
  5. BudsterXT

    BudsterXT Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2010
    Messages:
    545
    At least you can still post on the forum.
    Don't forget to wipe your keyboard down with Lysol.
     
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