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Drunks and Drinking JOKES- Laugh a little-

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Bueno, Aug 12, 2011.

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  1. Bueno

    Bueno Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
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    You know to put extra ice in your cocktail when you take a hot shower.

    Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t drink all the time. You just enjoy having a few civilized night caps, day caps, afternoon caps and morning caps.

    After eight drinks your “hugs” bear an uncanny resemblance to UFC take-downs.

    You fell into a whiskey vat and bravely fought off your rescuers for three hours.

    The first thing you think when you can’t find your wallet is, “Great, now how am I going to buy beer?”

    You failed CPR class because your breath set the dummy on fire.

    You’re having a little trouble reading this because the bar’s lighting sucks and you’re kinda loaded.

    You called the cops on yourself but refused to testify because you “didn’t want to get involved."

    You use spearmint schnapps for mouthwash because it eliminates that whole spitting hassle.

    You employ a booze-based monetary system, e.g.: “I’d loan you the money but all I have is a liter of Evan Williams and a twelver of Hamm’s in the bank.”

    You seem to think you can restore that classic car in your garage by drinking beer while staring at it.

    Your dishwasher’s glassware-to-plate ratio is roughly eight to one.

    You’re seriously considering learning how to play the bagpipes because, hey—nobody gets more free drinks than bagpipers.

    You’ve worn a kilt to ladies night in hopes of beating the system on a technicality.

    Tequila makes you lose your mind and howl at the moon, so you only drink it in the morning.

    Most days you’re up and at ‘em at five in the morning. Then you pass out.

    If you died, went to Heaven and found out it was dry, you’d casually inquire: “So, what’s the deal downstairs? They serving or what?”

    Your friends know the best way to bring you down is yell, “Last call!”

    You have ten ice cube trays in your freezer and they’re all empty.

    You have made cocktails with ice chiseled from the inner walls of your freezer.

    When the guy at the door yelled, “Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,” you assumed it was someone bringing more supplies.

    You inform the arresting officer that gravity is the only law you feel compelled to obey.

    You take pub crawls very literally.

    Crying in your beer increases its alcohol content.

    You’ve invented a Sesame Street drinking game so you can spend more time with your kids.

    You start your morning by reaching to the night stand, picking up your phone, pressing re-dial, and apologizing to whoever answers.

    Some bastard always manages to slip a Mickey Finn in your 30th drink.

    You regularly shout constructive criticism at the winos holding cardboard signs on street corners, e.g.: “It’s too political! You’re alienating half your demographic!”

    All your finest athletic feats were executed after six or more drinks.

    Your golf bag contains more beer than clubs.

    You complain to friends that you “got really sober last night.”

    Your friends accuse you of “acting weird” whenever they meet you sober.

    You want to rid the world of booze—one drink at a time.

    You fall off the wagon and it backs up and runs you over a couple times.

    You’ve flunked the wine-tasting class at the local free university four times this year but still keep giving it the ol’ college try.

    You don’t get “falling down drunk,” you get “gravity-challenged.”

    You don’t call them birthdays, you call them “a-free-shot-at-every-bar-I-can-reach-in-the-next-24 hours-days.”

    You think the only thing worse than warm flat keg beer on Sunday is no warm flat keg beer on Sunday.

    You know that in Heaven the bars open at 6am and close at 5:59am and in Hell it’s the other way around.

    You’ve convinced your boss that your cologne is called “Eau de Cheap Scotch.”

    You can identify most of the bars in town by the underside of their barstools.

    You try to buddy up to the arresting officer by offering him a drink from the open container between your knees.

    You’ve gotten so loaded you cursed the DJ for refusing to play “Muskrat Love.”

    Youv’e tried to lay down on the ceiling.

    Bouncers have a special headlock named after you.

    Gin is your tonic.

    You joined AA because you heard you could get sponsorship for your drinking.

    Your first tree fort had a wet bar.

    You’ve never been out of the country, but you frequently visit Twevlepackistan.

    You like to think your friends call you a “big, fucking sponge” because you can absorb so much alcohol.

    Your donated blood is only given to people over the age of 21.

    Your best friends and worst enemies are all bartenders.

    Your favorite dive is so dark you can’t tell when you’re blacked out.

    Your dentist is afraid to drill in your mouth for fear of an unexpected spark.

    “Taking the edge off” usually means waking up on your lawn.

    You’ve stopped drinking, but only when you’re asleep.

    When making punch, you dilute the rum with vodka.

    Your plan to move to New Orleans during hurricane season is based entirely upon the possibility of getting “trapped” in a bar.

    You can judge what time it is by looking at the shelf you’re buying drinks from.

    The bars send out a search party when you don’t show up at opening time.

    You use your cuff links as curb feelers.

    You’ve stepped on your own fingers.

    Everyone thinks you’re bilingual.

    You’ve told a priest, “Make it a triple this time, and hold the wafer.”

    You walk into a new bar and ask to see the finance manager.

    You have a reserved parking space in front of two different liquor stores.

    Your birthday is a holiday in Scotland.

    You favorite brand of vino comes with the disclaimer, “No grapes were harmed in the making of this wine.”

    The fire marshal fines you every time you yawn near an open flame.

    You get so loaded it takes two trips to get it all home.

    You walk into a new bar and they already know what you drink.

    You invented a drinking game for A.A. meetings.

    You match your outfit to the liquor you plan on drinking.

    You buy a lamp because you need a hat.

    FEMA declared you a national disaster.

    You’re not sure when Mary Ann snuck out your apartment last night, but you figure it was about the same time Mrs. Howell snuck in.

    You resolve to call your local councilman and complain about the city’s ill-advised policy of putting lampposts in the middle of the road.

    Uncontrollable vomiting, falling out of a tree and a heavily overdrawn bank account may very well be elements of “the most awesome weekend.”

    You call an ex-friend at 3am to ask what he meant by that remark last July.

    You receive divorce papers from your liver and it wants full custody of the kidneys.

    You were genuinely excited about Cingular’s “More bars in more places” promise until you found out they were talking about cell phones.

    You don’t have to imagine what a spilled gin and tonic sucked from a shag rug tastes like.

    You stub out your glass in the ashtray and ask the bartender to fill up your cigarette.

    You drank so much beer last night you single-handedly wore out a fresh urinal cake.

    All your character witnesses are in the drunk tank.

    You have attempted to wring out a rum cake.

    The cops set up a DUI checkpoint in your driveway.

    The rattlesnake that bit you yelped.

    You once woke up with a new job.

    Your menage a trois fantasies include a bartender.

    Your DNA is shaped like a corkscrew.

    Your streetside recycling company has to bring an extra truck.

    The ATF has a You division.

    You catch yourself rambling on about Thunderbird’s “delicate, yet audacious bouquet.”

    You swallow your mouthwash because it reminds you of spearmint schnapps.

    You drink tequila to get the taste of rum out of your mouth. And visa versa. For hours at a time.

    You’d never steal a fellow drunk’s drink, but you do occasionally “adopt orphans.”

    Your local liquor store lets you put bottles on layaway.

    You’ve been 86’d from detox.

    The only time Shane MacGowan looks sober is when he’s standing next to you.

    You see nothing ironic in chasing your daily vitamins with a water glass full of whiskey.

    Your office chair is a barstool.

    You own three beer bong patents.

    You only drink socially, except when you’re alone.

    You can’t stand tomato juice but love those Bloody Marys.

    You don’t need to hire a personal trainer to encourage you to start running because cops do it for free.

    Your PhD. thesis in political science was titled, “I Could So Outdrink Ted Kennedy.”

    You get indignant if a wedding reception has a cash bar. Especially if the reception was hard to sneak into.

    The simple act of returning an empty keg can spiral into an big emotional scene.

    You started taking scuba lessons when you learned that the Titanic went down with 500 cases of Bass Ale.

    If a party runs out of booze, you sock the host and drink his nosebleed.
     
  2. Pull & Mark

    Pull & Mark Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2006
    Messages:
    5,409
    Not sure if I should congratulate you on so many drinking one liners, or feel sorry for you!!! Break-em all Jeff
     
  3. Ljutic111

    Ljutic111 TS Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,730
    I`LL DRINK TO THAT !!!!
     
  4. Rick Barker

    Rick Barker Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2009
    Messages:
    14,348
    Moderation please. I fell asleep halfway through and have not had anything to drink.
     
  5. Bueno

    Bueno Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
    Messages:
    329
    I know the jokes go on like the Eveready rabbit, and never seem to end, lol.
    Just choose out the best ones for posterity.
    PS: Jeff: maybe I should have put a disclosure statement before the jokes, lol.
     
  6. wayneo

    wayneo Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    3,002
    Apparently you don't drink.

    Wayne
     
  7. Dr.Longshot

    Dr.Longshot Banned Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 1998
    Messages:
    5,722
    I'll drink to that one too

    GB
    DLS
     
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