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Did you ever think of becoming a Monk?

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by senior smoke, Jan 30, 2011.

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  1. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    Hello:

    My father passed away in 2003. Since that time I have had five dreams in which I am actually speaking to my dad. Usually in my dream, I ask my father if he could please let me win at the local Potawatomi casino? The next morning when I wake up, I make sure to tell my wife that I had another dream that I was speaking to my father and he has agreed to let me win at the casino. I also mentioned that I felt lucky. Well, I had this same dream again Saturday morning, and I told my wife we were going to the casino Saturday night.

    We get to the casino, and it is packed. I picked out one particular slot machine and an older lady is camped out at the 1 cent machine like she owns it. I soon realize that it would take at least six Clydesdale's to remove her from this particular machine. I decide to stand three feet behind her, patiently wait for her to leave so I can win a lot of money, as my dad has never let me down before after one of my dreams.

    Suddenly, this oldster packs up her walker and her emphysema and oxygen tank machine, along with her matches and cigarettes and leaves. Finally, it's my turn to sit down, relax, and win some money. I have two ten dollar bills on me, and I place $10.00 in the machine. I pull the handle and bells and whistles go off and it says "Big Winner" I just won $122.67. I look up to the ceiling and say thanks dad. I cash out and put my other $10.00 in the machine and I win $60.25. I plan to let this money ride as this is a very hot machine, and I have thoughts that before I leave, I will be rich.

    As I am ready to pull the handle for my third spin, my wife comes behind me, and whispers that my three year old grandson fell, cut his neck and needs to go to the hospital. Somehow he cut himself and is bleeding. My daughter Christy called my wife in a panic requesting that we come to her house to watch our other two grand kids so they can take Andrew to the hospital?

    I quickly cash out from the slot machine I was playing, and I am walking quite fast to the car, thinking what if he cut his jugular vein? I am running to my car and my wife thinks I might now get a heart attack the way I am breathing.

    We get to my daughters house and my grandson Andrew is sitting in my daughters arms, blood all over his face, with a gash to his forehead. There is blood all over the floor as I am thinking all I need to see is the yellow tape the police use at a murder scene. My daughter and son in law take the baby to the hospital.

    Now the fun begins. Before I go any further I just want to mention that I knew a kid in high school that wanted to become a Monk. I would always say to myself, why would anyone want to become a monk? You can't date, can't get married, can't have children, etc. With that being said before the night would be over, I would soon realize the kid that I knew that I wanted to become a Monk, was possibly the smartest SOB I ever knew.

    As soon as they leave, my 5 year old grandson Caleb sits on my lap and says, "Grandpa, why are you so fat"? I said to myself, now what do I tell him? He kept on asking me this same question all night long, over and over. My wife Jayne also heard him ask me this same question and she said that God makes some people thin, some regular, some bigger etc.

    A couple minutes later, he asks, "Grandpa why is your stomach so big"? I look at him and I said, my stomach is filled with hot dogs, meat, potatoes, and cakes. He said oh. He then decides to start poking my stomach as he wants my stomach to explode to see all the food inside it. As I am sitting there, having him poke my stomach every two minutes I start thinking that maybe becoming a Monk might have not been that bad of an idea after all?

    As I am sitting all night long watching every cartoon ever made for television, my daughter's 100 lb dog Toby decides to jump up on me after taking a 20 foot start as one of his paws knocks the wind out of me, as one of his gigantic paws lands on one of my testicles. As I am gasping for air, I have visions of me in a brown robe sitting on top of a donkey.

    My wife and I decide to straighten up my daughters house because they were in the middle of eating supper when Andrew got hurt. We washed the dishes and put everything away as I also mopped up the blood stains from the kitchen floor. Thinking to myself, now I know what a crime scene really looks like.

    Because this was an emergency situation, my daughter did not have anything in the house to eat or drink for company, as she was not expecting us. My wife and I are so thirsty, but other than water there was nothing in the refrigerator to drink. I luckily find a bottle of wine and tell my wife, and she said" you can't have any wine as it will interfere with your high blood pressure medication!

    I am now thinking, why me?? We finally get the kids to go to sleep, and Jayne and I can now sit back and relax. Well, that lasted about two minutes as my oldest grandson Joshua who is six years old wakes up yelling, "GET ME A BUCKET, I AM GOING TO THROW UP" I say to myself please don't start crying in front of my grand kids. As Joshua is throwing up for 5 minutes I am thinking , it's my luck, that I will now get what he has.

    As the hours go by, 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 11pm, we get a call that Andrew needs three stitches. A little later they all came home around 1am, as Andrews head is now bandaged.

    My wife and I got home at 1:30am, all I can think is, the smartest kid I ever knew was the kid who wanted to become a Monk. Maybe I would have looked good in a brown robe after all? It could have hidden my big fat stomach, as Caleb was quick to point out all night long.

    As I was laying in bed trying to relax, all I could think of is how lucky I am. I have two wonderful children, a good son in law, and three wonderful grandsons that try their best to give me additional gray hair. I realize that time goes by fast, and it won't be long before they are all grown up. I am smart enough to realize that I need to cherish these times. But as I fade away into sleep I wonder what size robe I would have taken if I would have become a monk?

    Steve Balistreri
     
  2. neofight

    neofight TS Member

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    I tried the life as a Benedictine Monk some years ago, but i kept having visions of modern conveniences, such as TV, 8 track tapes, Brownie Hawkeye camera, a relationship with a hot model. The visions eventually went away, but i couldn't get used to the vow of silence thing and i was quite often hung over from sampling the after dinner liquer that we distilled in the dark basement.

    The robes were nice though, but they seemed to add pounds to my otherwise svelte frame.
     
  3. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Can't say I thought of becoming a monk, but I do know Nun's buns are better than monks bread. Bulge.
     
  4. GW22

    GW22 Active Member

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    Yet another funny story, Steve! Just be glad they're GRANDkids and you get to leave them and go home!

    By the way, I think I saw your smoker emphysema patient at an Indian Casino down in Tulsa. After a couple hours sitting next to her I could have sent smoke signals for three days by just taking off my shirt and stomping on it. The funniest part was that on the way out I looked up and saw a big sign that said "Non-Smoking Room." D'oh!

    -Gary
     
  5. The Stive

    The Stive Member

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    Good stuff and a great story. I had a good laugh. John
     
  6. slipping into darkness

    slipping into darkness TS Member

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    Steve I can't believe you can't get your book printed, your story are priceless. I think you need to put more effort in finding some company to get it out to the public. "slid"
     
  7. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    I just got home from the gun club today. I found out my grandson Andrew was up until 4am before he went to sleep. He woke up later today and complained that his head hurt. My grandson Joshua is now sick with some virus. I can't remember when all three of them were all feeling well. I look in the mirror and wonder when did I get so old looking? When did I become my dad?

    Before I forget, I went back down to the casino around 11am today in order to cash in my two winning tickets. Guess who was camped out by the same 1 cent slot machine? The same old lady. She plays 1 cent on 30 lines and will be there all day and night long. I realized after shooting today that I am better a slot machines than shooting. In the 30 bird event today I had scores of 23, and 21. I am convinced it's the gun, it can't possibly be me, or could it? Regardless, there is always next week.
    Steve
     
  8. RobertT

    RobertT Well-Known Member

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    It's my understanding that Monks make the best trap shooters.
     
  9. CalvinMD

    CalvinMD Well-Known Member

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    Can you still be a Monk if you're circumsized?? Just askin'
     
  10. Barrelbulge(Fl)

    Barrelbulge(Fl) TS Supporters TS Supporters

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    Calvin, then you become a Rabbi when that happens. Bulge.
     
  11. shot410ga

    shot410ga Well-Known Member

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    Only if I could have had a few Nun's.
     
  12. blkcloud

    blkcloud Active Member

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    I think I saw your smoker emphysema patient at an Indian Casino in Cherokee NC, and the same one in Tunica Ms..
     
  13. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    blkcloud:
    A lot of them at casinos. I can not believe some still smoke under those conditions.
    Steve
     
  14. neofight

    neofight TS Member

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    Quote: "It's my understanding that Monks make the best trap shooters".

    Only the Trappist Monks : )
     
  15. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    neofight:
    Good one!
    Steve
     
  16. claybuster60

    claybuster60 TS Member

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    Be careful Steve. You don't want to be caught MONKeing around near those NUNs Buns!!!!!
     
  17. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    claybuster60:
    I went to a Catholic grade school. Two things about nuns that I will never forget. I never had a nun for a teacher that did not have a good voice. The other is, regardless of their size, NEVER, piss them off.
    Steve
     
  18. School Teacher

    School Teacher Well-Known Member

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    I was in several fights growing up and boxed a little in the Army. I have been knocked out a few times but the hardest I was ever hit was by a nun in 6th grade. I went outside on a rainy day to pick up some leaves for a thanksgiving poster when everyone was told to stay inside. I had left my leaves at home and I figured that I would just pick up more as there was a woods behind the school.

    I walked to the woods and got some leaves and returned to the school building. The nun met me at the door and gave me a good scolding. Just as I was taking the hood off from my raincoat, she hauled off and hit me in the jaw. I was looking the other way and the force of the blow dropped me to the floor and I saw stars for half an hour. I lost all respect for nuns after that. Thank God they are almost extinct.

    Ed Ward
     
  19. halfmile

    halfmile Well-Known Member

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    Sister Mary of the Ruler............Ow.

    HM
     
  20. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    Ed:
    The biggest meanest nun was Sister Cristella. She was the principle of Our lady queen of Peace grade school. She lived in Germany during the war. One day I asked her if she was a member of the Gestapo? All hell broke loose and my parents were called to school for a conference. My dad boxed for awhile in the Army Air corp and he said that was one big mean woman. He said to stay away from her. Everyday she would enter our class room with a pointer and start sniffing . She would then slam her pointer on a desk and ask "did you change your socks this morning"?
    Steve
     
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