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Couple of Funnies for Saturday

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by BRGII, Sep 26, 2009.

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  1. BRGII

    BRGII TS Member

    Joined:
    Feb 26, 2008
    Messages:
    740
    A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
    sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
    He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches
    the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
    'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money
    and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the
    three tests?'
    'You must pay first......
    Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10
    and the bartender drops it into the jar
    'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less,
    and you can't make a face while doing it.
    Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have
    to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
    Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
    You have to take care of that problem!'
    The man is stunned.. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do
    it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those
    other things...'
    'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
    As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Wheres
    the damn tequila?'
    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears
    stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in
    fifty-eight seconds!
    Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a
    pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming
    sounds... then nothing but silence!
    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
    the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's
    bleeding all over his body.
    He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

    The moral to the story:
    Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment
    when alcohol is involved





    SUMBICH!!!!

    A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw
    a party and Invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

    He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He
    held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

    Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
    and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

    At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10
    foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
    anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

    The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
    Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

    Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
    jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts
    and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through
    the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

    The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
    Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising
    hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a
    dime store goldfish.

    Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
    him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe
    you a million dollars.'

    'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

    The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.

    How about half a million bucks then?'

    'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

    The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
    amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

    Again Leroy said 'no thanks.'

    Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

    Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
     
  2. DecalDude

    DecalDude Active Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2009
    Messages:
    1,249
    Location:
    Jamestown New York Area
    A lil boy sits on the corner with a small can of turpintine just starein at it and a priest walks up says"what ya got there my son?". The lil boy says "I have the most powerfull liquid in the world!". The priest thinking he needs to tell the boy" Well I have HOLY water and if you believe I will sprinkle you with it and you can pass threw the gates of Heaven." THe lil boy looks back up to the priest and says"Hell I sprinkled some of this on my cats ass,and He passed my dads on his motorcyle!"
     
  3. Kim Little

    Kim Little Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    596
    Location:
    Washington D.C.
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