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Colonoscopy Journal......(LQQK)

Discussion in 'Off Topic Threads' started by Hauxfan, Mar 10, 2011.

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  1. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

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    Colonoscopy Journal (By Mr. Anonymous):


    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make
    an appointment for a colonoscopy.


    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.



    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.


    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..


    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
    Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house..


    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.



    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



    On the subject of Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous!!!!! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


    5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'


    6.'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


    And the best one of all:

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


    Hauxfan!
     
  2. mollyone

    mollyone TS Member

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    That was good




    jpark
     
  3. dhip

    dhip Active Member

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    Well ,just to add one more statement I made to my doc.
    First you have to be informed I have what they call a stricture in my throat caused by acid reflux.Every now and then I have to have my throat dialated(opened up). Just so happened the Doc does both and it woked out I needed both done and had him do them at the same time.So

    I stated,hey doc,don't forget which end your working on and use the wrong instrument on the wrong end.

    Doug H.
     
  4. stokinpls

    stokinpls Well-Known Member

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    And if they use the same device, do my throat first.
     
  5. Baron23

    Baron23 Well-Known Member

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    Hauxfan - excellent. I love when they tell you to start the laxative at 7:30pm and you should be done by 10:30 pm or so.....I distinctly remember pondering this at 3:30am while still in the bathroom with a very long book. LOL

    I also like that after not having eaten anything real for pretty much 36 hours, after the procedure they advised me to just eat something light...yeah, right! I went to the deli and ate like a pig and enjoyed the hell out of it! LOL

    Very good, very accurate, and very funny.

    Stephen
     
  6. CalvinMD

    CalvinMD Well-Known Member

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    My procto told me ..It may just be an a$$hole to you...but its my bread and butter; )
     
  7. motordoctor

    motordoctor Shoji Tabuchi in Branson

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    had a few of these. This is way too funny. I still have tears in my eyes from laughing. It is real but only close, as they have changed the prep deal and it is now somewhat tolerable.

    REMEMBER THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE ONE IF YOU ARE OVER 45 OR 50 YEARS OLD OR HAVE A HISTORY IN YOUR FAMILY.

    I have also heard that people take a marker and write exit only on your back side. I took a "Mr. Yuk" sticker--that is the reverse of a smiley face sticker--and stuck it on my back side. It was really funny when they rolled me over and saw the sticker. "Where did this come from" I was asked. I responded that it must have been stuck on the bed sheet and played stupid. You should have seen the look on their faces. Motordoc
     
  8. RWT

    RWT Well-Known Member

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    Hauxfan,
    You left out the part in the recovery room, about having more gas than the north slope.
     
  9. grntitan

    grntitan Well-Known Member

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    I can speak from experiance that none of that was possible to speak as it was taking place. The only thing i remember coming out of my mouth(grunting out) was SON OF A BITCH DUDE!!! True story and i think most who have had this done the first time can relate. Makes me pucker think'n about it.

    I might add that was said in a oddly squeaky voice....

    I have confused this with the office prostate exam. Probably nowhere near the same. My fault.
     
  10. Hauxfan

    Hauxfan Well-Known Member

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    Someone sent this to me today, and I just had to post it here.

    I thought it was funny as all git out!

    Glad you did too.

    Hauxfan!
     
  11. dhwbailey

    dhwbailey Member

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    No laughing matter!

    Colon cancer is the most prventable cancer we know of, but kills more people because people are afraid to get one.

    My first colonoscopy (20 years ago) was done without anaesthetic. I watched it on a TV monitor. They found a polyp, so I have been going back every 3 years since then. If they hadn't removed the polyp 20 years ago, I'd be dead by now.

    I've lost too many friends to colon cancer to count. If you are 50 years old, get one. It may well save your life.
     
  12. grntitan

    grntitan Well-Known Member

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    dhwbailey--You are correct and i think nobody was making light of the subject. My father died from colon and intestinal cancer. My grandpa(dads dad) has colon cancer. I'm 41 and the Docs had me get the tests(no colonoscopy yet because of back surgery recently) early because of the high likelyhood i'll get it too. Ive checked out good so far. It scares me to death every time i go. Laughter sometimes hides the hidden fear. I apologize if i personally upset you cause it was not my intention.--Matt
     
  13. ABH

    ABH Member

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    I had one for the first time about four months ago. Hauxfan hit it on the head. I woke up in the middle of my exam to see a screen in front of me. I watched the camera going thru my intestants. It was interesting to watch. The canal is much cleaner than one would have expected. I told the anesthesiologist that the show was quite interesting. He turned a little valve on my IV and I woke up in the recovery room. Hauxfan, you forgot to tell everyone about the post op gas.

    ART H.
     
  14. Beretta687EELL

    Beretta687EELL Well-Known Member

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    Think that is good? Watch the link .... Bill Malcolm
     
  15. John55

    John55 Active Member

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    Yep, that Movi-Prep is some delicious stuff! I just had the procedure 6 weeks ago and would echo everything that's been said. I started the Movi-Prep at 6:00PM the night before and managed to get a few hours of sleep before heading to the hospital. My wife had it done a year before in a different hospital and her med's for the prep were all over the counter, better tasting and a lot cheaper too.
     
  16. Hardage

    Hardage TS Member

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    I am an Anesthesiologist and have sedated many patients for this procedure. When my shooting buddy came through for one one day we made sure to have a recorder set up in the recovery area to capture his "offgass" moment for posterity. His wife loved it and uses it against him religiously.

    When I had my first "prostate exam" a few years ago and hearing the rubber glove snap onto my GI buddy's hand his words of advice were "It's all okay unless you feel BOTH of my hands on your shoulders". Comforting. His usual comment after a procedure where he had to do some repairs was "Ahhh...just created another perfect asshole". Our prep is called "Go-lyte" whis is a hell of a misnomer.
     
  17. Mr.M

    Mr.M Supporting Vendor Supporting Vendor

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    Funniest damn thing I've seen in a long time. Even funnier because I'm going to have my "Welcome to Medicare" colonoscopy on Monday. Magnesium citrate is the over the counter flush agent I've had recommended. Looking forward to the "clean" bill of health.

    Wish me luck. Gotta go to bed now and dream of sugar plums (don't say plums).

    Mike Mann
     
  18. senior smoke

    senior smoke Well-Known Member

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    My wife and doctor have been wanting me to agree to have this procedure done. After ready what you wrote it would take at least six of Budwiser's biggest and strongest Clydesdale's to drag me into the hospital to have this done.
    Steve Balistreri
     
  19. timb99

    timb99 Well-Known Member

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    I think humor columnist Dave Barry wrote that.
     
  20. joe kuhn

    joe kuhn Furry Lives Matter TS Supporters

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    This thread doesn't exactly promote the procedure. I understand the vodka part, but I don't drink.
     
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